Feeling Lost

So we moved to North Carolina and changed the whole life I worked so hard to build in Colorado, so worth it for my wonderful husband whom I'd do anything for.  Still, it hasn't been easy for me here.  North Carolina isn't so bad but I hate Fayetteville.  It just doesn't seem like a place where I fit in.  It has been hard for me these past couple of weeks.

When we first got here, I immediately went out and got a job at a vet's office.  It wasn't exactly the job I was looking for though.  First of all, so so so unorganized and what was organized was completely old school.  Not an office that had growth in it because the vet was as old as dirt and controlling as hell so when she either kicked the bucket or retired there would be nothing left of the practice.  Second, so so so dead.  No clients.  So boring.  Third, what clients that did come in were completely mistreated.  If I brought my dog or cat in and saw them treated that way I would be out of there so fast.  No need to restrain, hurt, panic, or stress animals that come to you for help and health.  The vet also shamed owners.  I have never heard such a catty environment totally trashing anyone that disagreed with them.  I would be completely the client they didn't want there because I don't allow my animals to be manhandled, I ask questions and have my own opinions, believe in training to change behavior and feed a biologically appropriate food.  They would have hated me.  And I hated them.  I tried to make a go of it but I couldn't get past the way they treated animals.  Very old school.  When one of the assistants kicked a dog in front of me that was pretty much it and I walked out.  Never to return.  Good residence.

Now I am in a rut because this is not at all the environment I am used to in relation to animals, dogs or dog training.  There is a lot of old school closed mindedness here and that's hard to crack through.  Especially when I am rather unhappy being here anyway and don't really feel like fighting the good fight.  So now I am disillusioned and not sure what I want to do.

I am bored and depressed and that is a long slide down that I don't want to have to climb back up.  So I really need to get in gear and find a job.  To find a job I have a lot of things to think about.  What do I actually want to do?  Dog training yes but I don't know if this is the place for it and is that a career I can do forever or is that more something I do on the side while working a career that can pay the bills?  I had it so good in Colorado with House of Dog Training.  I had no idea how blessed I was there and it is like a swift kick in the pants to have lost that.  Very discouraging.

I am kicking around the idea of going back to school.  Then, again, what do I want to do?  Do I want to get a business degree?  Do I want to be a vet tech?  Do I want to be a police officer?  What about something else completely different that goes along with one of my interests?  What do I want to do?  Ug.  I had this all figured out.  I didn't want to have to go through this again.

Huge kick in the pants of my forward momentum.

What do I want to do with my life?

Life Changes

I have left my beloved Colorado for the new and different North Carolina.  Jake is stationed here and needless to say I wasn't overly pleased about it in the beginning.  We left Colorado, by far the best state, on July 18th and made it here on the 21st.  That was a long three day drive behind Jake in the UHaul with truck and motorcycle in tow.  Not nearly the fun road trip I envisioned but when you have all of your belongings in a truck and animals in the car you can't really stop and smell the roses if you know what I mean.  We just pushed on through.

Luckily we were smart in that we closed on our house the day we got here.  Not so lucky in that in North Carolina you don't get your keys right away, which is the stupidest thing in the world if you ask me.  We were not pleased.  But it all ended well.  We have a house that is perfect for us.  Good kitchen, good yard, three bedrooms.  Unpacking and getting everything just so was my mission.  A mission that I completed as soon as I could.  Completely done.  Well, mostly done.  The garage is the one we have to tackle next.  So help me I will get rid of all the boxes.  They bother me.  No more boxes for three years when we have to pack up and do this whole thing again.

Did have a job.  Hated the job.  Quit the job.  Need to find a new job.  *sigh*  That front sucks.

Jake needs knee surgery.  Hopefully they invent cyborg parts before he fully falls apart.  I love him so and would like to keep him for as long as I can.  He got the go ahead to get that done as soon as possible so we're waiting for the doctor to call back so we can get the surgery scheduled.

North Carolina isn't really so bad.  Up in the mountains... "mountains" was very nice.  We spent our anniversary up there enjoying the cooler weather without humidity.  If there is one thing I would completely get rid of it would be humidity.  It's torture.  Humidity and mosquitoes.  Wipe those off the map please.  My first act when I become a God.  The beach was fun and I really really need to go back there.  So basically, I like North Carolina except for Fayetteville.  Fayetteville is the Pueblo of North Carolina, which is a reference that people from Colorado will get.  Basically it sucks here.  Not a great town.  But if we get out of town, it's not so bad.

We got dirt bikes.  I finally get to learn how to ride and hopefully I won't kill myself in the process.  Or give Jake a heart attack.  We got brave and took the bikes to the mountains and attempted to ride.  Maybe bit a little more off than I could chew seeing as it was my third time on the bike.  I can't wait to get good enough to fly up the mountain.  It will be fun to ride with my hubby and get his friends out with us.  I look forward to it.

I've been having some fun doing prompts with Kathleen.  It feels great to open up that door again and write.  I've been stifling that side of me and it needs to get out more.  Creativity is a good thing.

Speaking of creativity, I'm having fun with clay too.  I make the gosh darndest cutest things.  I am on a Pokemon kick to sell to the other kiddies downtown eventually.

Well, love to all!

Tragety

It is a sad state of this world that the last post I did was after terrorists attacked Brussels.  We were all horrified.  We all looked for the helpers, comforted ourselves, and picked up the pieces.  The world continues to spin and we feel better.  The evil in the world continues to plot against the innocents who do our best to live our day to day lives as best we can.  And then they strike again.  We are all horrified.  We look for the helpers, comfort ourselves and pick up the pieces again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  And again....  

When will we get sick of this vicious cycle?  When will we forget about persecuting each other, hating each other over petty differences and getting all up in arms over evil before we forget about everything and go back to "normal lives"?  I'm sick of seeing evil acts.  They show us the evil of humanity at the same time as the beauty of reaching out to each other in moments of great need.  Will we ever be able to remember the great strength of humanity and simply loving each other without the need to destroy each other at the same time?  My thought is no.  Humans, in general, are destructive.  We don't know how to live and let live.  We don't know how to be happy without unifying ourselves against others with hatred over the smallest differences we can come up with.  Sometimes it is because we hate parts of ourselves.  Sometimes it is because we have defined our lives, our selves and our culture through the hatred of others.  When will we learn that hatred only breeds destruction and, eventually, that destruction is going to happen to us and it will be our own doing.  What we breed, we sow.  Hatred brings hatred and if we can't reign that in, eventually it will impact us personally.  Eventually we are going to have to let go of the hatred we have for others and come to peace that what we hate in others may be a reflection of ourselves.  If we want to destroy what we hate, we must destroy ourselves or learn to heal.

I wish there was a better answer to the hatred in the world.  Some people are so blind.

We are fickle people.  Our attention span is so small and we can not stick with a subject long enough to actually solve a problem instead of just screaming about it for a while.  A couple of weeks ago, the country was upset about transgender people being able to use one bathroom stall over another.  We screamed.  We hollered.  We called each other names and got pissed off.  Now a shooting happens at a gay night club and everyone is sending support and love to the victims... who are gay.  Suddenly, it doesn't seem to matter that they're gay or straight because they are people.  We remember that people suffer and it is needless.  We remember that we should support and love people because suffering is universal and we all feel it.  I hope we remember that lesson.  We need to keep a hold of the feeling that we must support and care about people instead of letting petty differences breed hatred.  Of course, the next gay controversy will hit and some of us will forget that we are all people and will be back to screaming about how much we hate each other.  Why can't we learn from suffering and loss?!  At the same time, we can't use this tragedy as a reason to hate other people.  The shooter was Muslim.  That should not even be a consideration.  He was a man who was consumed by violence and hatred.  That is what made him dangerous.  Not his religious belief.  Of course, since we are stupid and fickle people who can't seem to keep hatred too far from our mind, many of us will use this to drive our own hatred of a people further.  Will we never learn?  And why are we glued to the media that makes their bread and butter off of driving hysteria and making us hate each other?
The media drives us to be upset.  They want us to be upset and glue ourselves to their channels.  If they can keep us in the emotional turmoil as long as they can they make more profit.  But what do we gain from this?  We allow our emotions to be churned up until we're tired and loose interest... until the next time we let the media play us like a fiddle.  We should be upset.  We should want to know what happened and what we can learn from this to make sure it does not happen again.  We should not let business, and yes, the media outlets are businesses first and foremost, drive us and tell us what we should be upset by and how we should deal with it.  We should get away from our screens when something like this happens and immerse ourselves in humanity.  We should learn to touch each other, comfort each other and prop ourselves up together instead of soaking in the hysteria of the media light.  Personally reaching out to someone in need is the best way to grieve and find a way to bring kindness and love back to the forefront of the world after such an act of evil.  Turn the media off and go do a random act of kindness.
Another thing about the media.  We should not remember the shooter.  History should not remember his name.  We should not think about him and why he did this beyond trying to prevent it from happening again.  We learn from it then toss him into the blackness of animosity.  Shooting and killing innocent people is not the way to get your name or your cause into the forefront of society and culture.  If you shoot people, your name should be lost forever.  I don't want to know his name, who he was or how he lived his life.  We should know more about the victims then we ever should about the shooter.  They are the ones that are important.  Their lives were cut short by no fault of their own.  They were loved and lost by their loved ones.  They are the ones we should embrace.  Let the shooter's memory die.  Embrace only his family because they have suffered a loss as well.  But him, he should be gone forever.
We deal with these horrific events by focusing on the things we don't agree with and shoving to get those fixed in a way we can live with.  A shooting happens.  We are all horrified.  Some shout that if we could just take guns away or get better gun control, the problem would be solved.  They unite against this cause of guns and scream that the gun activists are to blame for the violence in our culture.  People get so upset over guns because they are upset over the tragedy.  Emotions run high.  We want to fix it.  The only way our culture seems to think we can fix things is to blame someone and shame them into going away.  In this case, we blame anyone who supports the right to own guns.  We went to punish them.  We want to take the guns away.  We yell and scream and blame... and breed the same hatred we wish would go away.
Here's my high horse.  If you take away guns, the problems is still there.  Weapons will always be available to those who want them bad enough.  Making drugs illegal has not cured addiction.  Making guns illegal will not cure violence and hatred.  It will just make it harder for those of us who value the right to carry a gun to protect ourselves and those around us from the evil people who will find a way to get a gun no matter what.  If I have a gun and am in an active shooting situation, I will put myself between those who are defenseless and the person looking to do us harm.  It is my right to carry a gun.  I will not ask you to do it.  I will not ask you to stand between me and a gunman, but I will stand between you because I choose to carry one.  I have heard "Well the security guard had a gun and the shooter still killed 50 people."  Yes, and I bet if that security guard had not had a gun, the gunman would have spent more time shooting innocent people aimlessly instead of exchanging shots with the security guard.  You may claim it was nothing but I am willing to believe that the security guard saved lives.  That shooter killed himself when confronted with the police because they were coming to confront him with the stopping power of the guns.  What would have happened if more people in that nightclub had guns?  What if it was as little as 10%?  If there were 300 people in the club, that's 30 guns to his one.  Would he have done what he did?  He was a coward and killed himself when he knew he would be confronted with force back.  Would he have stormed that club if he knew 30 people would be defending their lives and shooting back?  Would anyone looking to kill innocent people enter such a place knowing that those people would stand up and do their best to kill him first?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But I for one will feel better knowing I may be able to draw my own gun and defend myself.
Taking away someone's choice to protect themselves is not a way to end the violence.  We must look at the cause of the violence.  We must look at healing hatred and spreading understanding.  Maybe there will be a day when guns are not needed in society.  I hope that day comes.  But it is not today.  Without guns in the hands of those who will use them for good, we are sitting ducks for the people who will get them at any cost to kill anyone they hate.  Guns are a tool.  It is the person who chooses how to use it.  We need to help people choose understanding and love.


The shooting in Orlando has wounded us.  I feel the loss in my soul, as we all should.  We should feel the loss and absorb the grief and lean on one another until we find our footing again.  Life will go on but we should not let this loss fade into the monotony.  We should take this and build something from it.  Not hatred.  Not blame.  Not inaction.  We should take this and learn and grow.
Most importantly, we must learn to love and shine that light brighter than any hate.  And so, I send thoughts and love to the victims and the families of the shooting.  I can not imagine the earth shattering grief.  Please reach out.  Reach out.  We are here.  We are here and we desperately wish we could help in any way.  Reach out and we will catch you.
And now, remember the victims (the people who died, their families, the people who were injured and the people who were traumatized).  They were all someone.  They were all loved by someone.  In each of them, we lost a world of possibility.  We grieve.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old

Amanda Alvear, 25 years old

Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old

Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old

Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old

Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old

Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old

Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old

Cory James Connell, 21 years old

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old

Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old

Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old

Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old

Frank Hernandez, 27 years old

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old

Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old

Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old

Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old

Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old

Kimberly Morris, 37 years old

Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old

Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old

Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old

Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old

Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old

Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old

Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old

Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old

Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old

Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

The world is weeping

It is sad what kind of world we live in.  What kind of world and society can we build for future generations when we feed anger and hate to the point where hateful individuals kill innocent civilians, people they've never met and could never know.  How much good and happiness are we missing because we don't take the time to understand one another but instead lash out with hatred and death?  Traveling has been such a joy in my life to see the differences all around the world.  It saddens me that someone would see that under the cloud of extremist hatred.

My thoughts are with the people of Brussels today.  Just as they were with the people of Paris.  And Turkey.  And Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Syria, Nigeria, Pakistan, Thailand, Libya, Somalia, Israel, Tunisia, Yemen, Northern Ireland, The West Bank... everywhere anyone has ever been victimized in the name of a movement or religion.  The world is weeping.

Now, more than ever, we need to be reminded that, along with the ability for evil, people have the great ability to be good.  I always remind myself of the quote from Mr. Rogers.  In great wisdom, he said "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me 'Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.'"

Find the Hero

Take a moment and do something good for another life.  We all have to do our part to cancel out the hatred.

Hearts!

Happy Valentine's Day!  Caution, gushing ahead!

I think my man like's to out do me.  We say small gifts, he goes big and thoughtful.  Can't complain though.  I love him all the more for it.

We celebrated Valentine's Day on Friday night.  I happened to have Friday off so we went to a movie during the day.  I have to say, Deadpool may not be a romantic movie but it was good.  Violent but enjoyable.  I like that it wasn't your average superhero movie.  Not that there is anything wrong with those but sometimes you just need the smart ass comments to make life more entertaining.

After the movie we had a nice dinner out at a chophouse around town.  We both got a little dressed up, which is fun to do from time to time.  Then my hubby surprised me with a night at a cute little bed and breakfast down in Old Colorado City that I had no idea was there.  Sweet little room with champagne, a hot tub and chocolate covered fruit.  I wouldn't say my hubby is a romantic guy all the time but when he needs to he can really treat me to a night of much needed romance.

So yes, he once again out did me.  I got him personalized M&Ms (because I've always wanted to do that), a new bottle of the bbq sauce we discovered when we were in New Orleans, and new sweatpants (purely selfish on my part because I hated his old ratty ones).  Someday, I'm going to win in the gift category.  Someday.

I'm more and more in love with this man every time I see him.  Muah!

Finally an Auntie! (Post from the past)

Promised I would catch up on past posts.  So here's one I started back in June about my nephew and godson!



Leon is finally here.  After a hard labor, my nephew finally came on June 2, 2015.

My poor sister had 36 hours of labor over several days.  Labor would start then stop and start and stop.  When it finally came down to it, she got an epidural that made the lower half of her body go numb to where she couldn't even move.  Every time they did move her, Leon's heart rate would plummet.  She would push and throw up and his heart rate would have to recover.  He just didn't want to leave his momma but eventually he didn't have the choice and they did a c section.

I was at work at the time and immediately left to rush to the hospital.  We waited but finally Leon was here!  He had to go to the NICU for several days so Jak could only take a few of us at a time to visit but it was so worth it.  What a precious baby!  I might be biased but I thought he was perfect and I couldn't help but tickle his toes.

His lungs weren't as good as they could have been so he was on oxygen for the first month or so.  Then he has had issues putting on weight and growing along with some digestive issues.  He certainly has been keeping his mom and dad on their toes but I think he's finally getting so much better.

It has been so much fun watching him grow and develop a personality.  Sometimes he loves me, sometimes he doesn't.  Sometimes he just wants his momma.  Certainly a momma's boy.  Sometimes he makes me really want a baby and sometimes I'm so glad I can give him back.  I can't wait to see him grow up!

I could post hundreds of pictures of him all day but here are a few.  Probably the cutest baby ever.

He takes after his aunt!

Crawling boy!

High Horse

In the news, the Broncos won the Superbowl.  Can't say I really watch football but it was a good game and I'm glad Colorado won it, especially after the debacle of the last one two years ago.  Plus, Colorado is basically the best state out there so... no reason not to crush everyone else.

Something else I'm seeing is how "gay" the halftime show was.  ...Really?  Are we really concerned about that in this day and age?  It always shocks me how inclined people are to hate, disrespect and devalue other people based on aspects of that person that has nothing to do with them.  If the half time show was "gay" does it really matter?  You're watching a sport where grown men jump on each other, dance in victory and smack each other on the asses.  If that doesn't make it "gay" then why should rainbow colors make the half time show gay?  Can't you just relax and enjoy it?  And even if you don't enjoy it, then let it go and enjoy the game.  There is no need to get on social media and spew hatred and intolerance into the world.  Apparently there is enough of that already without people  going out of their way to be ignorant and hateful.  Shut up, eat your dip and leave everyone else alone.

Something else I've been meaning to mention is the whole "Oscars are too white" thing.  That irritates me beyond belief.  Racism does exist and it always will exist as long as we point out and highlight the differences between people.  Here's something that may not make me popular.  Just as a white person is not entitled to more than a person of a different race, someone of color is not entitled to more than someone white just because of the pigment of their skin.  If you don't want people to be racist, stop asking for favoritism based on skin color, no matter the skin color.  Yes, it is possible for people of other races besides Caucasian to be racist.

So yes, the Oscars may be pretty white this year.  Everyone who wasn't nominated, no matter their race, should strive to do better next year.  You shouldn't be nominated because you are a person of color that did a nice job.  You should strive to be nominated because you did an excellent job at something.  I also don't think every kid in the race should get a metal.  You get a metal when you win.  If you didn't win, try harder, improve.  That's how you learn and improve in life.  If you don't have to strive to be better because you'll just get something handed to you anyway, why worry about being the best you can be?  You can worry more about how you can alienate and disrespect that person over there when you don't have to worry about your own caliber.

Anyway, that's me on my high horse for now.  Stop complaining about other people and worry about yourself and being the best person and living the best life you can.

Morgan Freeman on Racism

Another Video