It shouldn't happen to anyone

I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post about this but it is something that I've been thinking about.  Since Kathleen has not been hiding what happened, I hope she won't mind me talking about it here.

You know Kathleen.  Kathleen and I have been friends for over a decade.  I knew her before high school, though I can't remember exactly when.  We met through a mutual friend, my neighbor Kaylee.  Kathleen was a military brat though and moved away before high school.  Still, somehow we kept in touch with a mutual love of reading, writing, fantasy and geekery.  We really bonded over a Harry Potter fandom and then took off writing our own Harry Potter spin off with characters that are as real to me as people I know and are still very near and dear to my heart.

About two years ago, Kathleen moved here from Ohio.  I am glad that she got to come to Colorado but it happened in a very weird time of my life.  I was finally admitting to myself that, although I had come so far in my mental health, I still was far from happy.  The hermit and cut off lifestyle I had been living was wearing on me and I was yearning for a change.  I flirted with leaving Colorado and moving somewhere but finally settled on the fact that I didn't have to leave to be happy; I just had to do some personal work and change my lifestyle.  With my lifestyle change, living with Kathleen was not what either of us thought it would be.  Suddenly, our lifestyles were so different.  I didn't want to be shut at home anymore and I was trying to be more social and build relationships.  I was also dabbling with dating.

As they say, sometimes living with your friends doesn't work out.  I wasn't able to be the support system that I think she needed and she wasn't in the place in her life to fit in with the changes I was making to my life.  Too many changes too fast and we struggled to keep our friendship together.  It was hard and eventually she moved out, which I think was the best thing to do.  I was spending more and more time at Jake's and was very rarely at home.  As time went on, we just grew distant.  Neither of us are wonderful at staying in touch with people that we don't see daily.  I was off the computer and trying to interact with the world more and before our number one communication had been online.  It was just all hard and we let our friendship slide a bit.

We were both changing and exploring new things in our lives.  Suddenly we were both in serious relationships.  I had Jake and she had Brandon.  Different relationships but suddenly, I think for both of us, that we understood what "relationship" and "love" meant.  Although we didn't see each other all the time and we were both busy, I feel that Kathleen will always be that friend that was with me through my hard times and knew me better than 90% of the world.  Kathleen will always mean the world to me no matter what.

That is why it pained me to see her struggle.  I think we all will have dark times in life which is different for everyone.  Kathleen is going through that now.  She had some struggles but she was seeing them clearly and starting to work on them.  She was happier than I'd seen her in a long time and if anyone knows how hard it is to admit you need help and need to work on yourself it is me so I really admired her for that.

Now to the part that is hard to talk about.  Her boyfriend, Brandon, was also struggling and had suffered for a long time.  Just after Christmas, he took his own life.  I can not imagine the pain that Kathleen felt losing someone she was so in love with and meant so much to her.  There are very few things that are worse in this world and it was so painful for me to watch her go through that and know there was nothing I could do to solve it or take the pain away.  I've always been a bit of a protective person and once you're in my inner circle there are very few things that I won't do for you.  I don't like to see my people suffer and hurt and feel so helpless to do anything.  I felt guilty that I couldn't get to her right away after she called me.  I felt guilty that there was nothing I could do but hug her and let her cry.  I hope, somehow, I managed to help her through those really horrible days.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

With the deaths of Robin Williams and Dr. Sophia Yin, suicide has been on my mind and on my blog more this year than ever.  I never imagined it would personally effect someone so close to me though.  I can't imagine how the loved ones of people who take their own lives, understand it.  I hope that Kathleen can find healing and closure to her relationship with Brandon.  I hope that his other loved ones are able to heal and make peace.  I hope that he is at peace and no longer in pain.

Suicide is horrible.  It is horrible for the ones left behind and it is horrible that someone is hurting so much that it is the only out they see.  It is something that people are unsure of how to handle or address but it is a problem in our society that needs to be addressed.  No one should feel so alone that they feel they have to take their own lives.  Mental illness and victimization by others should not be something that we as a community don't want to talk about and deal with.  Out of sight, out of mind doesn't work because for some people they can't get away from their demons.  We have to be a community of support for those who are suffering and the people in their lives who don't know how to help.

Kathleen went back to Ohio to be with her family and to heal.  I will miss her and we will have to make the effort to keep our friendship going.  However, I will always be here for her and I hope she uses that strength that I know she has to find closure, make peace and continue her own healing.  Most of all, I hope she remembers how loved and cherished she is by more people than she knows.  I would do anything to change what happened for her because she has always deserved so much better.  She deserves happiness and I know it will find her.

I hope she isn't mad at me for this either but I had to sit down and get some of this out.

Give Thanks - Friendships

I am rejoicing in two friendships that have formed over the last year and a half that have come to mean so much to me.  Ryan and Amanda came into my life through WagNWash and I hope they stay forever.  Ryan is a ray of sunshine with that edginess that I just love.  She lives life with passion.  Amanda is like the other part of me.  She knows what is in my head before I say it and we're so weird together.  I never have to explain the random to Amanda.  Love these ladies!

10 Years Ago

This weekend was my 10 year high school reunion.  Wow.  I can't believe that ten years ago I was roaming the halls of Air Academy High School, unaware of the great big world around me.  Everything is so important and dramatic in your world when you're in high school, even when you try to be down to earth, that you really aren't aware of just how wide the world is and how unimportant your problems are.

I have to admit, that I liked high school.  There were some bad times yes but college turned out to be such a bust for me that I look back fondly on my high school years.  Nothing was too bad after all and I made it through.  I have been looking forward to my reunion for years.  I am not sure exactly what I expected, not really what I got, but I have been thinking about it for a while.  I just wondered where all these people where that I shared my growing pain years with and what they are doing.

There were three events this weekend but I only chose to go to one.  I kind of wish I had gone to the mixer event but decided just to go to the dinner at Phantom Canyon.  Honestly, I think they should have had it at the high school and just had one big event for everyone to come. A mixer at the high school would have been more fun.  Ah well... the food was really good.  And it was good to see who was there.  Some people were there who never spoke a word to me in high school but actually went out of their way to chat.  That was pretty nice.  Then were were people there who didn't talk to me in high school and ignored me at the dinner.  Whatever, I've long since grown past the point where I am quiet and care what people think of me.  Sarah and I had a great time talking and laughing regardless of who else was around.

Speaking of Sarah, I am so glad we fell back in together.  We've known each other forever and there was no one more important to me throughout high school than her.  Once a best friend, always a best friend.  That's true for us.

Sarah and I at the reunion.

Sarah and I many moons ago!

Group shot!

Oh and also I looked damn good.  That's always a plus.  Eat your heart out high school guys!

Terror-Dactyl Riding!

So Cave of the Winds, one of my favorite Colorado Springs attractions, has a new ride.  Sarah called me and asked if I wanted to go do this and I admit, at first I thought this was going to be lame.  I wasn't sure what the Terror-Dactyl was but I thought it was a slow zip line and I didn't really want to do that.  Sarah insisted so I looked it up online and saw that it is much more than a slow zip line.  Here's the video:

Terror-Dactyl Ride!

And from afar:

From Afar!

I think that I have a pretty good scream.  I love things like that and it was such a rush that we did it a second time without holding on.  I was calling Sarah my adrenaline rush friend because she's always up for stuff like that.  When I was 19 we went skydiving.  Next on the list is to find somewhere to do bungee jumping.

Now watch those videos again.  I love my scream!

That destruction thing

You know, human beings are strange creatures.  We crave attention and companionship which lead us to form and put up with all sorts of societies.  We love each other and express friendship and relationships in one breath then turn around and systematically destroy the ties we've spent so much time cultivating.  We leave destruction, hurt and anger in our wakes at the same time we feed the fire of our own hurt and anger.  It turns into a vicious cycle of bitterness and self loathing.  Yet we do it over and over again all over the world.  It's amazing we obey laws when they tell us not to steal or murder.  Sometimes it's amazing the human race manages to continue without snuffing ourselves out.

I've spend the last 24 hours witnessing such a destructive act between two people I both care for and respect.  Things were said that were both unfair and cruel.  A relationship, a multi-layered relationship, went up in smoke for no good reason.  I wish I could have headed it off.

First, I was reminding myself that people grieve in their own ways.  Sometimes that means lashing out.
Second, I was reminding myself of my own advice of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
Third, I was trying to stay on top of all the shit flying around while being respectful to both parties.
Fourth, I was shocked by the mushroom cloud of the explosion and didn't know what to do next.

Fifth... deal with the fallout.

Hopefully the core group of us that have managed to keep ourselves mostly clean from the shit flying around can come together and form a stronger group.  Maybe we'll be stronger after we lick our wounds and move on.  Those of us that can keep a clear mind and head above the storm clouds can do our best to pick up the pieces and find a new way for them to fit together.

It sucks though.  I wish everyone could have taken a couple deep breaths, counted to ten, dealt with their hurt and anger in a mature way then sat down in a couple of days to work everything out and come to an understanding.  But that frisky human desire to destroy got in the way.

Damnit.

Warning: Mushy post

Jake has friends in town from his homeland, Portland!  We went out a lot this weekend between playing darts and pool and generally just drinking.  I didn't drink as much as I have in the past because I learned my lesson on Thursday.  I am sucky at pool, just as I remember.  But I am actually decent at darts, first time I've played.  I would have done anything just to go out with them of course.

Anyway, I was tickled to meet Jake's best friend, also Jake.  I want so much to share with him and be a big part of his life like he is for me.

I'll never forget it.  He told me he loved me and I know I've found something special.

Blast from the past!

I have recently been going through a box I found of all these old photos.  I stole my dad's scanner and scanned them onto my computer.  These are mostly from high school and man do they bring memories back.  I had a good time in high school, generally.  Things may have been crap at home but I had some good friends and we were a good group.  Man I remember laughing so hard some nights over just the stupidest things.

What I wouldn't give to be a carefree kid again...

Attempt at the Northern Lights

Earlier last week there was some hoopla about the Northern Lights possibly being visible in Colorado because of some solar flare or something like that.  I've lived here all my life and I've only ever seen the Northern Lights once here when I lived in Boulder.  So of course I wanted to go see them.  It's the Northern Lights, you don't pass up a chance to see those right?

A group of us got together and decided to drive up to Red Rocks near Denver to see if there was anything we could see.  First we went to this secluded area off a mountain highway and had some beers.  Sadly, the wind was cold so there was a lot of huddling in the back of the car for warmth.  There was a clear spot right above us but the clouds were low and shifting around.  The lights from Denver were reflecting off the low clouds so it wasn't as dark as it needed to be I think.

After a while we decided to head to Red Rocks.  It's such a beautiful area that, if we had been able to see the Northern Lights, that would have been the place to do it.  That was the same idea that A LOT of people had.  There were quite a few cars around and it was kind of funny because everyone was trying not to disturb other people with their lights.  Then there were the people that didn't care and just blasted their lights everywhere.

It didn't really matter because there wasn't anything to see.  Either the clouds were covering everything, or the reflecting light was too bright or the Northern Lights didn't make it that far south this time.  Either way our trip was for not.  Still, it was lots of fun.  I am so happy now that I have friends in my life that I can be myself with and man we have fun.  It's wonderful to have friends that I can call on for a spur of the moment drive to see the Northern Lights.  That's something.

Shay, Kathleen and I.

Drop it like it's hot!

So it isn't really "my thing" but every once in a while a night out dancing is very much needed.  This time it was Amanda, her friends, Jeff, Caitlin, Shay and I with Jake.  We went to Cowboys, which wasn't my first choice but it was a lot of fun still.  I got Caitlin out there and we did some line dancing but mostly we drank and were silly.  That included singing some karaoke.  Yes I was drunk enough to sing but no you will never see the video.  Some things are meant to be deleted.

All in all it was a fantastic night with a fantastic group of people.  Love my friends.

Doesn't it look like we're having fun?

All my friends!

I am thankful for all my friends.  It is impossible to list everyone but you know who you are.  Friends make life worth living and I thank you for sharing it with me!

Another lifelong friend!

I am thankful for Sarah.  She is another lifelong friend that has come and gone a bit in my life but we've reconnected.  For the longest time, she was the closest person to me.  Through some hard teenage times, Sarah was there for me.  We have more inside jokes than anyone else.  No matter what, we can be there for each other and make each other laugh.  Hopefully, for many many more years to come.

Love you, Sarah.

Seany-boy

I am thankful for Sean, a lifelong friend.  Sean has come and gone in my life a bit but I'm so thankful I have him.  We have SO much, maybe too much, fun together and you can't put a price on that.  Not only that, I know that no matter what happens, Sean is there to support me.  No matter where life takes us, I know we'll be friends.  We're kindred spirits!

Love you, Sean!

My Dog People

I'm thankful for Lucky Dog University, which has brought me into contact with some wonderful people.  I am very lucky to call many of them my friends.  It took me so long to find a place and people with whom I felt I truly belonged.  What a blessing to bond with everyone over our shared love of dogs.  Friendships have been built beyond that and they are so important to me.

I love all my LDU people past and present!

Just as geeky as me!

I am thankful for Astrid.  We're different in so many ways but I couldn't have chosen a better person to go on this journey of dog training with me.  She inspires me and I very much look up to her.  We're also just geeky enough that we bond outside of training.  I'm so glad she's a friend and colleague.

Love you, Astrid!

Mentor, Friend

I'm thankful for Angie, my mentor and friend.  Angie knows I love her even if I am rattling my cage a bit.  I love her and I am so thankful for everything she has done for me.  She is the one who gave me my road to my dream and I can never repay her for that.  What I'm even more thankful for is that she was become a close and trusted friend.  That is rare in this world.

Love you, Angie!

Kat!

I'm thankful for my friend, Kathleen.  She also knows more about my inner thoughts and who I am than most people.  I'm proud of her for coming all the way to Colorado away from her family.  Our lives may always change but I'll always have you.  Our friendship has been such a big part of my life that she's really influenced who I am and where I am headed.  Thank you for being there for me, even when you were far away!

Love you, Kathleen!

My Friend from Cradle to Grave

I'm thankful for Caitlin H, my oldest friend.  There are few people outside my family that know me as well as Caitlin does.  And she still loves me!  She's the kind of friend that really is a part of you.  No matter how long it has been, I can reach out to her and I know she is there.  We were babies together, kids together, made it through separate schools and was one of the few people I think could survive backpacking Europe with me.  That says a lot about Caitlin.  I am truly blessed to have such a friend.

Love you Cailtin!

APDT Conference!- The goofiness!

So we're all settled into our hotel ready for the APDT Conference to start tomorrow.  This morning we all, myself and three other trainers from LDU, to Spokane and went to the conference center to check in early.

Honestly there was really just saying "Hey I'm here" and getting our information and such.  After that we had some time to kill so we walked around the Riverfront Park right behind the convention center.  That was a lot of fun being goofy.  Astrid and Shay already knew I was goofy but I'm sure Becky was a bit surprised.  Here are some of the goofy before we get going with the learning:

So we're walking around the park and we see a carousel.  So being mature and experienced adults, what did we do?  WE RODE THAT CAROUSEL!  That's right.  Dog trainers on a carousel, take one!

Got to love my dog people!

Reconnecting with friends

Here's the thing about life, there is no last chance.  It seems like it sometimes but really, there's always another path to take.

In high school I had two best friends that I loved more than anything.  After high school things didn't turn out the way we all thought.  Falling out happens.  Mistakes happen.  A lot of growing up happened.

I've just reconnected with those friends almost ten years after high school.  We are different people but it's nice to have the relationships back that once meant so much to me.

Sarah moved back to the Springs after some time in Greeley.  She's got some stuff going on but I'm really glad she's back.  I have so many memories with her in them.  When we were teenagers, she was the most important person to me.  We've both grown up a lot and developed into different people but I'm glad she's back.  It looks like she'll be around for a while and I'm actually glad about that.  I think that she can do a lot of healing and growing here.  Plus I get to hang out with her again.  I'm excited about that.

Sean just got out of prison.  He was there for some stupid stupid mistakes that he made.  Obviously he's had some trials and tribulations in his life that have separated us.  However there is something about him I love.  He gets me.  I don't have to say much and he gets me.  Plus he's a whole hell of a lot of fun.  I'm a little bummed that he's living in Denver because it means I won't get to see him very often because I'm so busy.  But I think that is the place that he needs to be.  I really really hope he can get things under control so that he can stay in my life instead of going back to prison.

Two people that are in so many of my memories growing up are back.  They share in a lot of the moments that made me who I am.  I have learned a lot from them together and separate.  It just goes to show that you don't just walk a straight path all of the time.  We all have paths that weave together.  Just because our paths aren't together at the moment, doesn't mean that person won't come back into your life.

People change.  So do friendships.  That doesn't mean you count them out though.

People that count

Before I go to bed, I want to post this.  And I want to post this on my blog so it's there and I don't forget it.  Facebook is so fleeting sometimes.

I just was to say that I am so grateful for the people in my life.  I have an incredible family that is literally building me a house so that I have somewhere to call my own.  I have amazing friends who will give up a Sunday afternoon to paint with me.  All of you are so dear to me.

I have struggled to feel like I belong somewhere and I have a place for myself since high school.  I never felt included or wanted in college.

Now, in this moment, I look around myself and I see that there are incredible people in my life.  I feel so included and folded into this little niche of the world.

Thank you.  Thank you all for giving me that.  It makes me feel good that there are such incredible people in the world.