It shouldn't happen to anyone

I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post about this but it is something that I've been thinking about.  Since Kathleen has not been hiding what happened, I hope she won't mind me talking about it here.

You know Kathleen.  Kathleen and I have been friends for over a decade.  I knew her before high school, though I can't remember exactly when.  We met through a mutual friend, my neighbor Kaylee.  Kathleen was a military brat though and moved away before high school.  Still, somehow we kept in touch with a mutual love of reading, writing, fantasy and geekery.  We really bonded over a Harry Potter fandom and then took off writing our own Harry Potter spin off with characters that are as real to me as people I know and are still very near and dear to my heart.

About two years ago, Kathleen moved here from Ohio.  I am glad that she got to come to Colorado but it happened in a very weird time of my life.  I was finally admitting to myself that, although I had come so far in my mental health, I still was far from happy.  The hermit and cut off lifestyle I had been living was wearing on me and I was yearning for a change.  I flirted with leaving Colorado and moving somewhere but finally settled on the fact that I didn't have to leave to be happy; I just had to do some personal work and change my lifestyle.  With my lifestyle change, living with Kathleen was not what either of us thought it would be.  Suddenly, our lifestyles were so different.  I didn't want to be shut at home anymore and I was trying to be more social and build relationships.  I was also dabbling with dating.

As they say, sometimes living with your friends doesn't work out.  I wasn't able to be the support system that I think she needed and she wasn't in the place in her life to fit in with the changes I was making to my life.  Too many changes too fast and we struggled to keep our friendship together.  It was hard and eventually she moved out, which I think was the best thing to do.  I was spending more and more time at Jake's and was very rarely at home.  As time went on, we just grew distant.  Neither of us are wonderful at staying in touch with people that we don't see daily.  I was off the computer and trying to interact with the world more and before our number one communication had been online.  It was just all hard and we let our friendship slide a bit.

We were both changing and exploring new things in our lives.  Suddenly we were both in serious relationships.  I had Jake and she had Brandon.  Different relationships but suddenly, I think for both of us, that we understood what "relationship" and "love" meant.  Although we didn't see each other all the time and we were both busy, I feel that Kathleen will always be that friend that was with me through my hard times and knew me better than 90% of the world.  Kathleen will always mean the world to me no matter what.

That is why it pained me to see her struggle.  I think we all will have dark times in life which is different for everyone.  Kathleen is going through that now.  She had some struggles but she was seeing them clearly and starting to work on them.  She was happier than I'd seen her in a long time and if anyone knows how hard it is to admit you need help and need to work on yourself it is me so I really admired her for that.

Now to the part that is hard to talk about.  Her boyfriend, Brandon, was also struggling and had suffered for a long time.  Just after Christmas, he took his own life.  I can not imagine the pain that Kathleen felt losing someone she was so in love with and meant so much to her.  There are very few things that are worse in this world and it was so painful for me to watch her go through that and know there was nothing I could do to solve it or take the pain away.  I've always been a bit of a protective person and once you're in my inner circle there are very few things that I won't do for you.  I don't like to see my people suffer and hurt and feel so helpless to do anything.  I felt guilty that I couldn't get to her right away after she called me.  I felt guilty that there was nothing I could do but hug her and let her cry.  I hope, somehow, I managed to help her through those really horrible days.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

With the deaths of Robin Williams and Dr. Sophia Yin, suicide has been on my mind and on my blog more this year than ever.  I never imagined it would personally effect someone so close to me though.  I can't imagine how the loved ones of people who take their own lives, understand it.  I hope that Kathleen can find healing and closure to her relationship with Brandon.  I hope that his other loved ones are able to heal and make peace.  I hope that he is at peace and no longer in pain.

Suicide is horrible.  It is horrible for the ones left behind and it is horrible that someone is hurting so much that it is the only out they see.  It is something that people are unsure of how to handle or address but it is a problem in our society that needs to be addressed.  No one should feel so alone that they feel they have to take their own lives.  Mental illness and victimization by others should not be something that we as a community don't want to talk about and deal with.  Out of sight, out of mind doesn't work because for some people they can't get away from their demons.  We have to be a community of support for those who are suffering and the people in their lives who don't know how to help.

Kathleen went back to Ohio to be with her family and to heal.  I will miss her and we will have to make the effort to keep our friendship going.  However, I will always be here for her and I hope she uses that strength that I know she has to find closure, make peace and continue her own healing.  Most of all, I hope she remembers how loved and cherished she is by more people than she knows.  I would do anything to change what happened for her because she has always deserved so much better.  She deserves happiness and I know it will find her.

I hope she isn't mad at me for this either but I had to sit down and get some of this out.

The loss of another

Another death is touching me today.  She wasn't a celebrity to anyone outside of the dog world but to us, she was a profound and talented trainer that did so much.  Dr. Sophia Yin was first a veterinarian.  when she entered the field and saw how clueless the veterinarian community was to training and behavior, she went back to school to become a behaviorist.  Her contribution to the positive reinforcement and dog training world has been huge.  Her low stress handling techniques are incredible and something that everyone in the pet industry should learn.  I was lucky enough to hear her speak several years ago and even got up to do a demo with her.  I was in awe of her knowledge and skill but she came across as a very loving and approachable person who cared and just wanted everyone to learn and do right by their animals.

Dr. Sophia Yin passed away on September 29th, leaving the dog training world and, I'm sure, all who knew her reeling.  I was devastated to hear this but even more devastated to learn that she committed suicide.  So soon after Robin Williams did the same thing, it is hard to believe that someone so talented and such an inspiration to so many of us would do such a thing.  Didn't she have so much to live for?  What about her dogs?  When I was struggling with depression, my dogs were the number one thing keeping me fighting and I find it very hard to cope with someone who did so much for the dogs around her leaving her own.  It really hit close to my heart.

Every time I hear of this happening I hope that people take the loss and apply it to their lives.  So many people around us, even talented and inspirational people that we look up to, struggle with mental illness and private dark battles.  Many people, like I was, are very good at hiding it.  They may be in the darkest place personally and still smile and act normally.  It is the fear of being judged and thought weak that keeps those of us who need the most help from voicing the fact that we are in a dark place.

Please, be the voice of strength, courage and most of all, understanding and acceptance.  Reach out to those around you and help them.  I am so lucky that my sister was a strong voice in my life and I never felt like she judged me for struggling.  Mental illness is real and it affects more people than you know.  Make sure the people in your life know that you are there for them.

And most of all, if you are someone struggling, please reach out.  Ask for help.  People love you.  People care.  You are never alone.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

RIP Robin

Robin Williams killed himself.  I never would have said that he or his work has had a profound influence on my life but I am really feeling his death.  It makes my heart hurt that a man that was so loved by so many for making them laugh and smile was hiding so much darkness in him that it destroyed him.  No one really knows what goes on below the surface of another person.  Here was my Facebook status today:

As everyone mourns Robin Williams, remember a smile can hide a so much private pain. I know the feeling of debilitating depression and I thank God that I never considered the act of suicide. Mostly because I was just too damn stubborn to let something beat me. But remember that people all around you struggle. Be a voice of strength and support now instead of when it is too late to reach someone. It can make a difference in someone's life.

It's true.  People all around us fight private battles and shoulder private demons everyday.  Mental illness is a real thing that real people face.  It isn't something "other" that you'll never run across.  Chances are someone and someone you know well is or has struggled with it.  I struggled with major depression for years.  Sometimes I didn't even realize just how unhappy I was and I only see it now that I am looking back from a place of relative mental health.

I struggled with depression and, at the time, I had a very hard time admitting it.  That, of course, only made it worse.  I felt like I had to hide this giant thing that was slowly sucking the life out of me from anyone and everyone.  I was so afraid that of people's judgements and that they would think I was weak.  Mental illness is not only debilitating but it is isolating.  Dealing with it is the one time you really need to draw strength from the people around you but it is also the one time you feel you really need to hide.

I struggled with that for a long time.  A silent struggle until I almost broke.  I never felt the need to commit suicide but I can see how someone would reach that point.  Somehow, I had a stubbornness inside of me that refused to give up and I managed to drag myself out of a very deep hole.  The few people I did tell, gave me so much support that I was able to recover.

I just wish that people would look around them and recognize that anyone that struggles with a mental illness is still a person and probably a very strong person.  It takes INCREDIBLE inner strength to be able to survive something like that and work your way through to a healthy place.  Help and understanding is so needed.  No one struggling should feel so judged that they hide it until it kills them.

If you are the one who needs support, speak out.  Know that the person who judges you is worthless but the person that steps up and offers you unconditional support is priceless.

Thank you to all the priceless people in my life.  Most especially my sister, who was a light when I was lost in darkness.