Feeling Lost

So we moved to North Carolina and changed the whole life I worked so hard to build in Colorado, so worth it for my wonderful husband whom I'd do anything for.  Still, it hasn't been easy for me here.  North Carolina isn't so bad but I hate Fayetteville.  It just doesn't seem like a place where I fit in.  It has been hard for me these past couple of weeks.

When we first got here, I immediately went out and got a job at a vet's office.  It wasn't exactly the job I was looking for though.  First of all, so so so unorganized and what was organized was completely old school.  Not an office that had growth in it because the vet was as old as dirt and controlling as hell so when she either kicked the bucket or retired there would be nothing left of the practice.  Second, so so so dead.  No clients.  So boring.  Third, what clients that did come in were completely mistreated.  If I brought my dog or cat in and saw them treated that way I would be out of there so fast.  No need to restrain, hurt, panic, or stress animals that come to you for help and health.  The vet also shamed owners.  I have never heard such a catty environment totally trashing anyone that disagreed with them.  I would be completely the client they didn't want there because I don't allow my animals to be manhandled, I ask questions and have my own opinions, believe in training to change behavior and feed a biologically appropriate food.  They would have hated me.  And I hated them.  I tried to make a go of it but I couldn't get past the way they treated animals.  Very old school.  When one of the assistants kicked a dog in front of me that was pretty much it and I walked out.  Never to return.  Good residence.

Now I am in a rut because this is not at all the environment I am used to in relation to animals, dogs or dog training.  There is a lot of old school closed mindedness here and that's hard to crack through.  Especially when I am rather unhappy being here anyway and don't really feel like fighting the good fight.  So now I am disillusioned and not sure what I want to do.

I am bored and depressed and that is a long slide down that I don't want to have to climb back up.  So I really need to get in gear and find a job.  To find a job I have a lot of things to think about.  What do I actually want to do?  Dog training yes but I don't know if this is the place for it and is that a career I can do forever or is that more something I do on the side while working a career that can pay the bills?  I had it so good in Colorado with House of Dog Training.  I had no idea how blessed I was there and it is like a swift kick in the pants to have lost that.  Very discouraging.

I am kicking around the idea of going back to school.  Then, again, what do I want to do?  Do I want to get a business degree?  Do I want to be a vet tech?  Do I want to be a police officer?  What about something else completely different that goes along with one of my interests?  What do I want to do?  Ug.  I had this all figured out.  I didn't want to have to go through this again.

Huge kick in the pants of my forward momentum.

What do I want to do with my life?

The loss of another

Another death is touching me today.  She wasn't a celebrity to anyone outside of the dog world but to us, she was a profound and talented trainer that did so much.  Dr. Sophia Yin was first a veterinarian.  when she entered the field and saw how clueless the veterinarian community was to training and behavior, she went back to school to become a behaviorist.  Her contribution to the positive reinforcement and dog training world has been huge.  Her low stress handling techniques are incredible and something that everyone in the pet industry should learn.  I was lucky enough to hear her speak several years ago and even got up to do a demo with her.  I was in awe of her knowledge and skill but she came across as a very loving and approachable person who cared and just wanted everyone to learn and do right by their animals.

Dr. Sophia Yin passed away on September 29th, leaving the dog training world and, I'm sure, all who knew her reeling.  I was devastated to hear this but even more devastated to learn that she committed suicide.  So soon after Robin Williams did the same thing, it is hard to believe that someone so talented and such an inspiration to so many of us would do such a thing.  Didn't she have so much to live for?  What about her dogs?  When I was struggling with depression, my dogs were the number one thing keeping me fighting and I find it very hard to cope with someone who did so much for the dogs around her leaving her own.  It really hit close to my heart.

Every time I hear of this happening I hope that people take the loss and apply it to their lives.  So many people around us, even talented and inspirational people that we look up to, struggle with mental illness and private dark battles.  Many people, like I was, are very good at hiding it.  They may be in the darkest place personally and still smile and act normally.  It is the fear of being judged and thought weak that keeps those of us who need the most help from voicing the fact that we are in a dark place.

Please, be the voice of strength, courage and most of all, understanding and acceptance.  Reach out to those around you and help them.  I am so lucky that my sister was a strong voice in my life and I never felt like she judged me for struggling.  Mental illness is real and it affects more people than you know.  Make sure the people in your life know that you are there for them.

And most of all, if you are someone struggling, please reach out.  Ask for help.  People love you.  People care.  You are never alone.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Thoughts...

Dog Training

I'm thankful for the opportunity to do what I love, dog training.  I may never make a killing at it but I love it and that is what is important.  Working with dogs has been the main joy in my life and I am so thankful for Lucky Dog University for providing that opportunity for me.  Not only that, being a part of LDU has opened so many doors and experiences for me that I never would have gotten to do otherwise.  The ABDT Conference is the most recent example!

With Dr. Ian Dunbar.

With Terry Ryan after Chicken Camp

F you! You know who you are!

Life never leaves me high and happy.  It does find ways to knock me down.  Mostly I'm talking about my current training job.  I love LOVE training.  I love LOVE working with dogs.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE the trainers and apprentices I work with.  Those are the things that are keeping me from walking.

I'm frustrated though.  I feel that I am consistently mistreated and undervalued there.  I feel like it is a poison in my life.  People tell me to walk but I just can't seem to make that jump.  It's because I'm freaking loyal to the people I love and I really love the two people I work closely with.

I don't know what to do.

For the love of Best Friends

Best Friends.

For those of you who are thinking BFFs, no.  Best Friends is actually an animal sanctuary in southern Utah.  It is the largest in the country and is dedicated to rehabilitating and rehoming the lost causes of the animal world.  I first heard of it during an insomnia attack during college.  I was up at all hours of the night and flipping channels until I found a show called Dogtown, filmed at Best Friends following the dogs they rehabilitate.  I thought, that is what I want to do.  I want to be a dog trainer and save the lives of dogs that have no one else.  And I want to do it there.  I made myself that promise.

That was one of the most important steps to getting to where I am today, that silent moment where I made that promise to myself.  I've tried to take more and more steps to get to that goal and I've been keeping my eyes on Best Friends.  Every time I saw "Dog Trainer" listed I applied, even when I knew there was no way I would get it.  Suddenly I find myself qualified and I saw that "Dog Trainer" job post again.

I got a huge rush of adrenaline, that came with the squealing of excitement and fear that I tried to keep quiet since I was at work.  I once again filled out that application (they must be tired of reading my applications) and sent it in.  The next day I got an email requesting a phone interview.  Again there was much squealing and bouncing with excitement and fear.  An interview... a phone interview.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah!  Eek!  AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I had a phone interview with my DREAM JOB last Wednesday.  Pretty hard to tell if it went well or not.  I think it did.  I am exactly what they are looking for and by God I am going to apply until they hire me.  I can be a pretty stubborn person and I believe in doing whatever it takes to get where you want.  You're going to get told no more than once but you only need one yes.  And you just have to keep getting up until you get that yes.  Also it's important to remember that there are many roads to that yes.

Alright enough of my go get 'em attitude.  I hope I hear back soon about this job.  She said it would take about a week for them to get through all their interviews and review things.  I hate having to wait for things like that.  Puts a lot of things in the air.  Guess you just have to keep juggling until you know right?

I would pretty much freak out if I did get the job.  Not that I'm not thinking positively but I don't think I will.  There are probably a hundred more people out there that feel the same as me about this position and who knows, one might be better.  Also, if on the off chance I did get it, it would be incredibly hard to leave here and go there.  Yes I just got done talking about this dream job opportunity but I'd have to make a lot of changes to take it.

For one, I just bought a house.  A house that I have YET to live in.  So it would just really suck to move before I even get the chance to live there.  I'd rent it out though so that when I do come back I'll have a place to live.

For two, I do have some wonderful people in my life here.  Not only my family, I know they'll always be there for me, but some really great friends.  As much as I was miserable at LD at the end there, I have met some really great people through the training program and I'm so glad I didn't let the miserable side take over and ruin everything.

Dog people really are wonderful.  We may be strange to other normal people but we're awesome and other dog people understand.  

Anywho.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get a dream come true.

CPDT-KA Certified!

I was up early today and it was such a beautiful morning.  Crisp cold air and a light covering of snow.  I was out on the road watching the sun come up and glowing on the mountains.  I'm not a morning person but it was one of those mornings where you just feel peace.  I said that I was just feeling good vibes today.

Work was dull but I got a lot done.  I had an incredible meal planned out by the time I was ready to go home.  I picked up the dogs from daycare (Whitman has been passed out since getting home.  Sleepy boy) and went to get some groceries for my yummy dinner.

What did I have for dinner?  Baked summer vegetables and sweet chicken bacon bites.  Mmmmm.  It turned out wonderful though I did burn my knuckle.  Then for dessert I had a banana smore.  Oh mouth watering.

But the best part of the day?  Coming home to a letter confirming that I'd passed my certification test for my CPDT-KA, which is a knowledge based certification.  Wow that felt incredible.  Just looking down and seeing that  "Congratulations..."  I have wanted this for so long and done a lot of work to get here.  Now I'm certified.  It makes me feel like I have worthwhile and useful knowledge, which I know I have but it makes me feel validated.  It is just an incredible feeling.  I took the test way back in September and tired to put it out of my mind.  I was pretty sure I passed but at the same time what if I didn't?  It was just a lingering thought so I tried to just put it out of mind.  And then my training buddy got her certification and I kicked up the anxiety into high gear.  Thank goodness I only had to wait a day though.

Wow.  I am certified.  I am a certified dog trainer.  Wow.  Congratulations to me.  And to my training buddy!