Dreams Change

I've written about how my dream was to be a trainer at Best Friends.  I got my shot to go out there and it was a wonderful two week experience.  I loved working with the people and the dogs.  While I was there I did a lot of thinking about whether or not I could move my life there.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life here since I've been home.   It's time to make a decision.

I did get a job offer from Best Friends.  Due to circumstances there, it wasn't the "dream job" but after being there, I don't know if being a trainer there is my dream right now.  It is a completely different environment than what I was used to and fairly different than I thought it was going to be.  I did love the caregivers, they are wonderful people.  The trainers were enjoyable and do a lot of the things that I do.  However, I was not a huge fan of the management.  Wonderful people who do wonderful things.  I'm just not sure that my place is with them.

I spent the drive back and the last week and a half weighing my options.  A lot of this decision is emotional but it is also about trying to make the smartest decision for my life in this moment.  Thoughts:

Best Friends
Pros

• An incredible organization- Best Friends Animal Society is a driving force in animal rescue.
• Working with special dogs in need- Incredible, incredible dogs.
• Wonderful people- I felt like I could make friends there.
• Being with people so like me- I was with fellow dog and animal geeks.  I wasn't the crazy dog lady.
• A part of something bigger than myself- Best Friends is a part of a movement.
• Beautiful scenery- Zion National Park was just a taste of it.

Cons

• Living in Kanab- A very very small Mormon town.
• Management- I'm a little tired of working for places where I don't feel like management treat all employees well.
• Best Friends is it's own world- Not always a good thing.  It is like living in a bubble.  People get tunnel vision.
• Leaving family and friends
• Living in the desert- Beautiful but hot.  And very sandy.  I'd have to leave my beautiful Colorado mountains.
• I would start as a caregiver- I don't want to give up training.

Colorado Springs
Pros

• Family- I love being close to my family.  I would miss hanging out with them and I might become an aunt soon.  I don't want to miss that.
• Friends- Finally I feel like am a part of a wonderful group of friends.  I feel like I belong here.
• Training- I have worked long and hard to earn how far I've come with training.  There is potential to take this further.  Training dogs is my dream and I do not want to give that up.
• My house- I just bought it.  I just got to move in.  And it's not done.  I want to keep working on it.
• Colorado- I'm a Colorado girl born and raised.  Every time I look out my window and see that beautiful peak I feel lucky.

Cons

• I sometimes feel stuck

I feel like I've had my life on hold for a long time.  I need to make a decision and start heading in a direction. I thought that would be deciding to move to Kanab and be a part of Best Friends.  That was my dream.

But the funny thing about life is that dreams change.  What was your dream at one point in your life changes at a different point.  It's not always easy to find your way but that's also the great thing about life.  It was my dream to go work at Best Friends at a time in my life where I really needed that dream.  I needed a bright light to get me through that hard time.  Now I'm in a different place and I'm a different person.  I have a different dream.

Right now, my dream is to be here.  And what's wonderful is, I am making the choice to be here.  I could be in Kanab at Best Friends working my way toward being a trainer there but I am choosing to be here.  I have wonderful friends in my life that mean so much to me.  I have often said that I finally feel like I belong with a group of people.  It took me a long time to find that.  Maybe I'd find that at Best Friends too but right now is not the time.  My family is here.  Back when I was in college and struggling, I wanted so much to break free and become my own person.  I wanted distance to do that.  I now see that family is a strength.  They've come together and helped me so much.  I love them.  I have a career here I can pursue and I can still be a part of helping homeless pets in need.  Also, Best Friends is not the only amazing organization out there.  There is a lot more to explore before I get tunnel vision.  I have a house here that I've barely gotten to enjoy. Here is where I choose to be.  More importantly, here is where I want to be.

Time to take that choice and run with it.  I'm so excited!  Maybe I'll look at Best Friends again in a couple of years when dreams change again.  Who knows what will happen?  That's the beautiful thing about life.

(And yes I realize this is probably a pretty hokey post but I don't care.  Sometimes it's good to be a little hokey in life.)

A blessed two week experience

Time to go home!

I have to confess, even though this has been a wonderful experience, I am so ready to go home.  I miss my babies terribly.  Two weeks is a long time to be without them.  Part of me wishes I had brought them but I know they're probably happier at home.  Caitlin says Whitman pines for me.  I know Gerani is far to proud and independent to let it show but I like to believe she's pining a little for me too.

Anyway, I haven't posted a whole lot about the experience I've had because I wanted to let it sink in.  I have a lot to think about and didn't want to broadcast it yet.  I will say...

• The dogs here are so special and blessed to be here.  A lot of them need a lot of work and really understanding potential homes but it is a great thing that Best Friends does here.  I have especially loved working with the Michael Vick dogs (may he rot in hell for what he did to them).
• The people who work here have incredible hearts and are my kind of people.  Animal people recognize something beautiful in each other's souls.
• I greatly respect the mission of Best Friends.  No more homeless pets is a wonderful goal.
• Although I fit in really well with a lot of the animal people, I am not quite as "crazy" about it.  For example, I smash spiders.  Sorry, I just do and I admit it.  I don't think that makes me any less of an animal lover but I definitely did not feel like I should admit that out loud.
• As much as I love Best Friends and this beautiful area, I still have a question mark over whether or not I can live in Kanab.
• I really enjoyed meeting the people of Best Friends but... there were some things I was not overly impressed with.

I have a lot to think about, not everything I am going to post on here yet.  For now, it is time to head home.  I'm going to make the drive tomorrow all in one go.  Hopefully I can do it because I want to see my doggies!

I am so blessed to have had this experience.  Thank you all for telling me I should go for this.

Angel's Rest

I'm having a great time here.  Every last Thursday of the month, Best Friends has a ceremony at their cemetery, Angel's Rest, for the animals that have passed away at the sanctuary.

Angel's Rest has all these marking stones for graves, trees of wind chimes and nooks where people have placed treasured items from their pets that have gone over the Rainbow Bridge.

The ceremony was very sweet and I stayed after to walk through Angel's Rest.  Standing still, feeling the desert breeze in my hair and listening to hundreds of wind chimes was a beautiful experience.  I thought about Vallie and I felt her touch on me.  Such a magical place and I cried a little bit.  I have a prayer stone from there that I am going to bring home to put on her ashes.

She's always with me.

I definitely cried while reading this poem.  So beautiful and true.

Don't Weep for Me

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there

I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain

When you awaken in the mornings hush

I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the soft star that shines at night

Do not stand by my grave and cry

I am not there

I did not die

-Anon

Amazed

Let me begin by saying happy birthday to my dear sweet girl back home Gerani.  I love her so much and I can't believe she's been with me for 13 years.  Here's to another 13 baby girl!

I'm really more bummed that I'm not there to celebrate her birthday over my own.  I already miss my babies so much.  I'm sure they're having fun with Auntie Caitlin though.

Best Friends is amazing.  I was kind of surprised to see how big it is.  I mean I knew it was big being that it is the largest sanctuary in the US but still.  You don't really get what that means until you see the many different layers of it.  It's nestled right into the beautiful desert and so many special animals are here.  It's like heaven on earth.

I'm getting to shadow the trainers around and it's very different but comforting to see they do the same things I would do.  The best thing is working with the dogs.  It is going to be hard not to fall in love with all of them and come home with at least one.  I have to keep talking myself out of it.

As much as I love it and feel like I fit here with the people, it has been such a surreal experience in a way.  I feel very much like I got plucked out of my life and just plopped down.  Might be losing my head a little.  If you know me, you know I rarely lose things, most especially my phone.  But I lost it.  Put it down and lost track of it.  So I really hope I can find it tomorrow because it would so suck to have to worry about getting a new phone while I'm here.  So unlike me.  I guess I have too many other things in my mind and since I don't get service in the canyon anyway I wasn't paying attention.  Oh well.

Why keep track of your phone if you're having such a great time without it?

I find myself in Kanab

Happy birthday to me!

I spent most of it driving to Kanab today.  Crossed over the Colorado/Utah border and kept on trucking all the way to Southern Utah.  It's been interesting to drive so far and see the changes in landscape.  Give me an audiobook and a pretty drive any day.  It really has me thinking that my next vacation should be a long road trip somewhere.  I think that would be really fun.

Anyway, more shots of my drive:

Anyway I got in to Kanab pretty early, about 3pm today.  I am staying with a girl about my age, Meagan, who is new to Kanab and Best Friends.  She's got a nice little trailer house thing, three bedrooms, but it is just her and her dog Porkchop.  I chatted with her a bit.  She's a bit of a Lord of the Rings freak too so we'll get along just fine.  Sounds like she's a bit antisocial just like me so that helps too.  I then just spent a lot of time relaxing and staring at the wall.

I'm not really sure what to expect about tomorrow.  It's my first day at Best Friends.  In talking to Meagan she said there probably won't be a whole lot going on tomorrow short of the introductory kind of stuff.  I am looking forward to the tour and just getting to see this incredible place.  How lucky am I?  I get paid for two weeks to be here.  Might even get to stay here.  Very cool.

Should be fun!

Over the pass!

I drove to Grand Junction today.  I had hoped to leave earlier on my quest to Best Friends but one thing led to another and I didn't get out the door until about 3pm.  I was putting off leaving but now that I'm on my way I'm really excited.

The drive wasn't too bad except that it was snowing pretty good over the pass.  Not great weather but the roads were okay so it wasn't a huge problem.  Driving in snow over the mountains is just the sort of thing Colorado girls do right?

I haven't taken a road trip in a while.  Usually when we drive to St. Louis, I sleep almost the whole time.  I get in the car, or any moving vehicle, and immediately want to sleep.  It's like a travel coma.  But since I'm driving by myself I have to stay awake.  I thought I would get bored but I haven't been bored yet.  I am having a great time listening to books on tape and enjoying the scenery.

I did take some pictures.  I am talented enough to take pictures and drive but I can't promise the quality of picture.  I tried to get some good ones of the snow and mountains over the pass but they didn't come out very well.  I would have liked to get some of the big horned sheep as they ran across the highway like squirrels but that was a time when I was trying to focus on driving so I didn't hit them.  So instead I'll share some other ones.

I rolled into Grand Junction just as the sun was going down.  My sister was good enough to book this hotel for me.  It's not a great hotel but hey I'll only be here one night.  Free internet and a tv movie.  Can't complain.  There is a City Market across the street so I will go over there to get some coffee and breakfast in the morning.  I haven't had any fast food yet and I'm going to do my best to keep it that way.

Tomorrow is my birthday but I'll also be arriving in Kanab, UT.  Exciting!  I really have no idea what to expect but I know this is going to be a great experience and I'm grateful to get to do this.

Well I shouldn't stay up late since I have another 6-7 hours of driving tomorrow.  Night all!  Thanks for the well wishes as I set out on this adventure.

Goodbye Old

So I've been unsettled for a while.  That's nothing new.  Physically unsettled in that my things are everywhere and I haven't moved into my house.  Unsettled in my professional life because I can't decide what I want to do.  When I left LD as manager it was because emotionally I couldn't take it anymore and it was either do that or have a complete breakdown.  So I left.  That was SO hard.  I don't like feeling unsettled or that I'm not achieving anything.  But I took the chance that I would find my way.

Found my way to my current job.  Well this week I threw that out the window too.

For those who don't know, I work as a receptionist.  But it's confusing because technically I work for three separate companies.  One is the drug trial company and they're the ones that handle me as an employee.  However, about 90% of my work comes from the doctor that I work for.  He is not easy to work with.  The other company doesn't have their stuff together and is extremely disorganized.  I was "trained" by them for about half an hour way back in September.  Then the woman who was supposed to be my contact apparently left the company 4 months before anyone bothered to tell me.  Then take into consideration that I haven't had someone reliable to cover my lunches since before Thanksgiving.  The people, that's right people (4 to be exact), who cover me during my lunch are not trained because they have no interest in being on the receptionist desk.  Three of them have been promised a coordinating job so they want to focus on training for that.  So my repeated requests that they spend more time training have been ignored for months.

I spend about 25% of my time fixing issues that they create during the hour a day that they are on the desk.  I have complained over and over again that it is a waste of time.  I don't know why they don't just commit one person to training and covering me.  It makes no sense.  They're just allowed to half ass it and I pick up the pieces.  However, when I start getting in trouble for things that they did and for things that no one told me needed to be done differently that's when I will put my foot down.

So this week I just realized, you know, life is too short.  I do not want to work for people who are just disrespectful, unorganized and unable to fix issues that I need help with.  I think... close to five months should be more than enough time to adequately fix the issue of someone covering my lunch.  I think I have been more than patient and flexible.  But then it just comes down to I don't like the job anyway and I am not willing to put up with people's crap while doing it.  Again, life is too short.

So I put my two weeks notice in.  First time I've done that without having a job lined up.  But honestly, I am sick of this crap.  I know I complain a lot about my jobs but I haven't found one that really feels like it fits me.  That's something that I feel like I should have.  I am a firm believer in do what you love instead of something that will make lots of money.  That's why I'm a dog trainer and that's why I graduated with a degree in English Literature.

Hopefully I have a job by the end of the month because that's when I'm done here.  I had my second interview today with Best Friends, which I think went really well.  Though it will be two weeks before they decide who they want to invite out for a two week trial period.  So I can't count on that job for a while.  I have an interview tomorrow for a vet's office which I would love.  Other opportunities open up.

I'll be glad to be done with the dull job though.  Whew.

Thoughts

I've said it before and I will say it again.  Daylight savings is like a kick in the gut.  I hate it so much.  Now my sleep is going to be really out of whack making it even harder for me to get it back on track.  Plus I'd rather have the sun up earlier when I'm getting up rather than it being up in the evening.  Why must we meddle with things we don't understand!  Isn't time one of those things us humans shouldn't be messing with?

Got a lot of good work done at the house.  Should be ready for move in next week.  I'm pretty excited about that.  I had hoped this weekend but the sanding and polishing the floors took longer than we thought.  Every project seems to.  After that I am just going to move in and continue to do small projects around the house.  I just so badly want to live there even if that means I'm still doing small projects while living here.  Honestly I don't think the house will ever be 100% done.

Happy birthday to Astrid, my partner in all things dog.  Just to let you know, I saw your comment on my last post and you're never too old to reach your potential.  You are an inspiration.

I got a second interview for Best Friends.  It is another phone interview on the 20th, which seems forever away.  The first interview was with the general HR person I guess and then she passed the information on to the Dogtown managers.  They contacted me by email last week to set up this second phone interview.  I have no idea what to expect but I think if this one goes well they'll invite me out for two weeks to do a trial period.  The thought of that requires me to do a lot of deep breathing to keep myself calm.

Angie did an announcement about it at the training apprentice meeting on Friday.  Man I'm going to feel horrible if I do end up leaving.  The people in that program are such a huge part of me feeling like I've made a place for myself.  For a long time I felt like I didn't have any connections to anyone until I joined that program and really let myself over to it.  I admire and love so many of the people I've met through the training program.  For the first time since high school I feel like I have people in my life that really know and care for me.  It means a lot to me and I don't contemplate leaving that lightly.

Plus, Angie has given so much to this program and found so many of us apprentices sticking around for more than six months and more than a year because of what she gives.  I have never found anything as rewarding as this and believe me I spent years looking.  Before I met Angie and started this program, being a dog trainer was just this silly little dream that no one really believed I'd really pursue.  But it was something I wanted so badly and something that gives real meaning to my life.  Without finding Lucky Dog University I wouldn't have gotten to do it and see my dream realized.  I am working to turn it into a career thanks to what I have learned and the path I've found.  I can't imagine leaving it all.

I guess we'll have to see what shakes out.  No one ever really knows where the path they are on is going to lead.  Which is terrifying but I think that we should strive to see it as exciting opportunity more than terrifying.

It's time to get my third tattoo I think.  I've wanted it for over a year I just haven't gotten around to scheduling an appointment for it.  I want "Not all those who wander are lost" (from Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien) on the side of my right foot.  I know it will hurt like the dickens but I really really want it.  I really never believed that tattoos are addicting but I guess they are because I have at least two more I want, including this one.  Then after that I really should be done because I'll have run out of really good places to put them.  Which is a shame.  My mother will be happy though.

In other news, I am all set to get my second certification through the CCPDT.  This one is the Knowledge and Skills certification so I have to upload a video of me actually training a dog.  I'm excited about that except for the fact that it was a nightmare getting myself signed up for it.

A while back my email was hacked and I lost a lot of emails I had been holding on to.  Course I didn't know what I had lost and what I hadn't.  So the cut off for signing up for this certification was March 2nd.  Come February 25th I went looking for the email they had sent me with my first certification in order to get the password to confirm I was eligible.  No email.  So I got to the website to request another one.  They say call this number and email this email.  So I call the number and leave a message and send an email.  No response.  The next day I call again.  No response... this goes on all week until I'm finally getting pissed off and contact the CCPDT directly.  No answer.  No call back.  Nothing.  I try this for a week and the deadline goes past and I still haven't heard back from anyone.  I was so mad.

Finally I heard back on March 4th with an email saying, sorry but the deadline has passed and we can't help you.  If I wasn't pissed before I certainly was then.  I went all they way to the president of the CCPDT about it because I shouldn't have to be punished for very poor customer service.  Keep in mind this is not the first problem I've had with them.  They wouldn't update my address for a while and had me in CT at one point.  Just stupid stuff like that.

They did put it right though so I'm all set to go for the KSA.  Astrid is also ready to go for it though she had a much easier time of getting set up.  She's the good one, haha.  So we're going to meet at some point this week and figure out how to do it.  We have three things to train with a dog and an owner then one thing to train a dog alone.  Should be lots of fun and hopefully we both get certified.

Anyway, I think that's about long enough.  I should probably pretend like I'm doing work even though it is so uninteresting.

For the love of Best Friends

Best Friends.

For those of you who are thinking BFFs, no.  Best Friends is actually an animal sanctuary in southern Utah.  It is the largest in the country and is dedicated to rehabilitating and rehoming the lost causes of the animal world.  I first heard of it during an insomnia attack during college.  I was up at all hours of the night and flipping channels until I found a show called Dogtown, filmed at Best Friends following the dogs they rehabilitate.  I thought, that is what I want to do.  I want to be a dog trainer and save the lives of dogs that have no one else.  And I want to do it there.  I made myself that promise.

That was one of the most important steps to getting to where I am today, that silent moment where I made that promise to myself.  I've tried to take more and more steps to get to that goal and I've been keeping my eyes on Best Friends.  Every time I saw "Dog Trainer" listed I applied, even when I knew there was no way I would get it.  Suddenly I find myself qualified and I saw that "Dog Trainer" job post again.

I got a huge rush of adrenaline, that came with the squealing of excitement and fear that I tried to keep quiet since I was at work.  I once again filled out that application (they must be tired of reading my applications) and sent it in.  The next day I got an email requesting a phone interview.  Again there was much squealing and bouncing with excitement and fear.  An interview... a phone interview.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah!  Eek!  AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I had a phone interview with my DREAM JOB last Wednesday.  Pretty hard to tell if it went well or not.  I think it did.  I am exactly what they are looking for and by God I am going to apply until they hire me.  I can be a pretty stubborn person and I believe in doing whatever it takes to get where you want.  You're going to get told no more than once but you only need one yes.  And you just have to keep getting up until you get that yes.  Also it's important to remember that there are many roads to that yes.

Alright enough of my go get 'em attitude.  I hope I hear back soon about this job.  She said it would take about a week for them to get through all their interviews and review things.  I hate having to wait for things like that.  Puts a lot of things in the air.  Guess you just have to keep juggling until you know right?

I would pretty much freak out if I did get the job.  Not that I'm not thinking positively but I don't think I will.  There are probably a hundred more people out there that feel the same as me about this position and who knows, one might be better.  Also, if on the off chance I did get it, it would be incredibly hard to leave here and go there.  Yes I just got done talking about this dream job opportunity but I'd have to make a lot of changes to take it.

For one, I just bought a house.  A house that I have YET to live in.  So it would just really suck to move before I even get the chance to live there.  I'd rent it out though so that when I do come back I'll have a place to live.

For two, I do have some wonderful people in my life here.  Not only my family, I know they'll always be there for me, but some really great friends.  As much as I was miserable at LD at the end there, I have met some really great people through the training program and I'm so glad I didn't let the miserable side take over and ruin everything.

Dog people really are wonderful.  We may be strange to other normal people but we're awesome and other dog people understand.  

Anywho.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get a dream come true.