I first saw Vallie at the Oceanside Canine Companions facility. We had just done the graduation ceremony with Gerani and a handler had just taken her away. It was hard to give her back after being her constant companion for a year and a half. There wasn't much of a chance to say goodbye and I was crying as Gerani pranced away. My mom and I turned and walked away to wait because a puppy was going home with us. As soon as I saw Vallie coming down the hallway I lost my heart. She was this tiny puppy with long gangly legs and the sweetest face. I dropped to my knees and she put her feet on my shoulders and licked the tears off of my face. I have never been more in love. On the drive back to the hotel, I tried to keep Vallie on the floorboards at my feet but she kept crawling into my lap. Finally I gave up and held her. She snuggled into my neck and fell asleep.
From the beginning, Vallie was special to me. She was a wonderful puppy, even on the flight home from California. But she'd come to us with giardia and was a pretty sick puppy. To this day I blame that for my lack of a sense of smell. It was worth it though. I thought she was the cutest thing and had the warmest brown eyes that I have ever seen. She learned fast and together we were the stars of the class. We did everything together, which is normal for CCI puppies and their raisers, but it was a higher level of devotion. Where I went, she went. Even if it was just across the room. If I stood still for a minute or so, the familiar weight of her leaning against me or sitting on my feet was comforting.
I loved all three of my puppies. They each taught me something new and gave me a lot of self confidence. A high school student that brings a dog to school almost every day attracts a lot of attention. Not all of it was pleasant but I learned confidence with my dogs by my side. Vallie was by far the best. Everyone loved her. Everyone was impressed with her. As the date for her to go back to CCI loomed, my heart was breaking. Gerani had come back to me and I couldn't help hoping Vallie would too, although it was selfish of me. I never had to face that though. Vallie, actually Jonas' half sister, had bad hips too. Not bad enough that she would need treatment but not good enough to pass as a Canine Companions service dog. I was head over heels though; it meant Vallie was mine.
The first year of college was hard. Since Vallie was no longer a service dog, she wasn't allowed in the dorms. I had to live a whole hard year without her. My second year I moved into a house and immediately brought Vallie to live with me. I credit her with saving my life during this time. College was hard for me. I worked two jobs and went to school full time. I went to CU Boulder where partying was the main concern. I wasn't a partier and that seemed to make me the outcast. I couldn't relate to the rich kids that didn't have to work and had heads full of beer, booze or drugs. If that wasn't enough, I couldn't relate to the crazy liberals or communists but I wasn't conservative enough to fit in with the College Republicans there. It was a really hard and lonely time. To make matters worse, I loathed my roommates. Home has always been a big comfort for me. I like to come home to my own space to relax and destress. Living with my roommates meant I couldn't do that. They were constantly throwing keggers and not telling me. Or dealing weed. Or in general being assholes. The final line was when they took Vallie off leash for the afternoon without telling me. Granted Vallie had more maturity and good sense in one paw than they did in their entire bodies so I shouldn't have worried so much but I exploded about that.
Needless to say, I had a really hard time in college. I sank in to depression and insomnia. I didn't care about anything. ...Except Vallie. Vallie loved me unconditionally and she was there for me. She kept me grounded. When I realized Vallie was the only thing I enjoyed in life, I made changes. I began working at a local vet's office in the kennel with the dogs. I've always been able to relate better to dogs than most people and this gave me something to enjoy. I took a medical leave of absence and worked until I had enough money to backpack Europe. That trip regrounded me and got me back to who I was. When I was gone, the thing I missed most was Vallie. But she didn't forget me and she was waiting for me when I got back.
We moved back to the Springs and I continued to work with dogs as I finished school. Gerani and Vallie were best friends and things were better. Things were better until I took Vallie to the vet for a routine checkup. I happened to mention that I'd noticed a lump on her lower stomach. I didn't think it was anything serious because it didn't seem to bother her at all. She was getting certified as a therapy dog and she was my happy go lucky girl. My vet wasn't sure what the lump was but took some cells.
I was not in any way prepared for what it was. I remember him saying cancer and then it gets a little fuzzy. I was completely shocked. My girl had cancer. It just got worse from there. The cancer was lymphoma and it would eventually kill her. There were two types of lymphoma, Bcell and Tcell. B Cell was somewhat treatable but would only give her 2 years at most. T Cell basically meant make your dog as comfortable as possible because most dogs pass away in a month or two after diagnosis. They gave me the choice of starting chemo while we waited for confirmation on the type of lymphoma. I was so dazed. I knew it was expensive and may not be worth the effort but I had to do something. I remember starting down into her eyes, those incredible eyes, and knowing I couldn't just give up on her. I had to fight for her life if there was any chance... (okay I have to take a break. Maybe I shouldn't be typing this at work because now I am crying too hard to continue.)
Whew. Alright. So we started chemo. They told me chemo for dogs wasn't normally as physically devastating as it was for humans. Every Thursday at 4 we drove to Denver so that she could be seen by a special doctor. Vallie seemed to be handling it fine so I began to hope. Surely cancer couldn't change anything. I held on to that until I got the phone call from my vet. I was in Denver, waiting for Vallie's chemo session to be done when he called. He'd gotten the tests back and it was T Cell. He explained that chemo would not do anything to prolong Vallie's life, that it might just stress her out more. Given her health and how it manifested, he told me that she would live two more months and that I should focus on making her happy and comfortable. (and I have to stop again.)
(This is harder than I thought it was going to be. I always feel my eyes prickle when I think about her but thinking about this time never fails to make me cry. I thought I could get through this without crying so much though.)
I made the decision to stop chemo. That night Vallie and I snuggled up and I just cried into her neck. Her fur always seemed to dry my tears faster than anything else. I cried for a long time and she just lay with me, so warm and comfortable. When I could stop, I told her that I would do anything for her. The next couple of months would be all about her and what she needed. And I promised her that when the time came, when she couldn't go on anymore, that it would be okay, that I would be there for her and I would be strong enough to let her go when she was ready. That was the last thing I could do for her after everything she had given me.
And so I settled in to making Vallie happy and tried not to think about what would happen. Two months came and went. Vallie was going strong. She was happy and seemed healthy enough, even though eventually the lymph nodes in her neck did begin to swell. My vet was flabbergasted. Her health continued to be stable and she showed no noticeable symptoms of being sick or in pain. I knew she was so strong and so full of life and love but eventually I knew her body would get tired. I knew we would have to say goodbye. And I knew that it was going to be the darkest day of my life. I didn't know how I was going to get through life without her but I knew that I would have to be the strong one. Somehow, I would have to be strong. I got a tattoo on my hip to remind myself of that. It is a Celtic shield knot that symbolizes strength and protection.
The day after I got my tattoo, I came home from class and Vallie wasn't at the door waiting for me. For the first time in her life, she wasn't there. I walked downstairs and found her quietly laying on her favorite bed. When I came in she looked up at me with her big brown soulful eyes. Those eyes had always looked straight into me like she was a part of me. We were a part of each other; we had one soul. I knew now, looking into her eyes, that it was time to say goodbye. After everyone had only given her two months to live, Vallie had stayed with me for 8 months. She had given me tail wags, warm snuggles, wet kisses and so much love in those 8 months. Now she was tired and she told me that it was time for me to keep my promise.
This is especially hard for me to talk about. I won't get through this without bawling my heart out.
I made the appointment to take her to the vet that evening. I remember how much that broke my heart that I had to make an appointment to end her life. That almost broke me completely. I lay with her on her bed until it was time. ...I don't want to talk about the rest. She was calm until the very end. She lay in my lap and I told her it was okay. I thanked her for being my guiding light in life and I promised her that we would see each other again. Then I just told her over and over that it would be okay. I held it together until I felt head go limp in my arms and then I lost it. I was screaming and crying and begging her to come back. Part of me knew she was out of pain and in a better place but I just couldn't comprehend not having her in my life.
...I stayed with her for a long time because I didn't want to leave her. I don't really remember leaving. I don't really remember much else from that day. My parents took me home and I crawled into bed. It was really hard for a while after that. Gerani was there for me. Although she'd never enjoyed snuggling, for that first month Gerani snuggled with me and let me cry into her neck. We mourned together.
Slowly it got easier. Slowly it didn't hurt to think of her and I could say her name without breaking down. Slowly I learned that life goes on. At first it's cruel that it does but then it eases. I know Vallie is with me always. She's in my heart every time I work with dogs. She was the one that set me on this path to finding what I really love to do. She literally molded me into the person I am. Sometimes it is still incredibly hard to think about her. I still feel like half my soul is gone and that's hard. But I also remember her with such warmth and love that it makes me breathe again. I wish everyone in my life now could have met her. I hope those who did meet her saw at least a little of what I did. A perfect angel.
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| Vallie Beautiful Girl 8/1/02-9/3/09 |
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| Hard to do homework with that face begging for attention. |
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| My girl. |
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