I thought this summer was hard on Gerani because it was hot, dry and smokey. I thought she was slowing down because she was getting old and that was her right. But deep down I knew something was up. Deep down, I was dreading that C-word. I was dreading that trip to the vet. I was so unprepared to hear "cancer" with Vallie, my lab-angel. Just like with Vallie, I knew I couldn't overlook it anymore when I came home and Gerani did not meet me at the door. I found her on her bed and I knew immediately that I needed to take her to the vet. I called and got her an appointment immediately. It was Monday June, 24th at about 4:30pm.
At the vet, the doctor looked at her gums and immediately knew they didn't look good. He told me they would do x-rays and he had to be honest that they were looking for cancer, that dreaded c-word. I told him that I hoped it wasn't because if it was I would just freak out. This will be the last time I go to the vet by myself.
Within five to ten minutes, the doctor was back and I immediately knew it wasn't good because Gerani wasn't with him. He put a syringe on the counter in front of me and as soon as I saw that it was full of blood I knew this was it. The world got a little fuzzy. He told me that Gerani was bleeding internally. Her abdomen was full of blood from a perpetrated tumor on her spleen. My ears began ringing.
Cancer... and it wasn't good. Cancer kills so many Goldens because they are prone to it but also because they just want to please their owners so much that they don't let on to any discomfort or pain. Besides Gerani slowing down, I never would have guessed she was in any pain. She loved working and pleasing me so much. Still, I did know that something was wrong. I asked the doctor that if I had brought her in earlier, would the prognosis have been better. The answer was no. By the time Hemangiosarcomas, cancer of the spleen, is diagnosed, there really isn't anything anyone can do.
I was just in so much shock that my beautiful and perfect girl had cancer. But it just kept getting worse. I had three choices. Either take her directly to the emergency vet and start blood transfusions to prepare for surgery in the morning. It would be major surgery to remove the tumor on the spleen and repair it as well as explore for any other tumors if the cancer had spread. By the time of diagnosis, it is very very rare that the cancer hadn't spread to other organs. Because it was such a major surgery and Gerani had already been bleeding internally, as well as her age, it would be extremely hard on her. There was a good chance that Gerani would not make it through the surgery. Even if she did, it would only give her another 6 months at the most. Or I could opt out of surgery and do nothing. Eventually Gerani would pass away. That horrified me because essentially she would be bleeding to death. There was no way I could choose that. The last choice was to take her home one last time, spend a goodbye night with her then let her go peacefully.
No one should have to hear those choices. I was sitting there by myself, just weeping with complete helplessness and shock. I just kept thinking "Gerani is so perfect. This can not be happening to her. She's always there, no matter what. This can not be happening to her." I needed someone there with me but I couldn't reach anyone. Finally my mom called me back and I'm sure she couldn't understand a word I was saying to her because I was sobbing. I just told her to come to the vet.
By the time she got there I knew what I had to do. Surgery was too risky. I would never forgive myself if she passed away on the table without me, alone and exposed. Also, as much as I hate that in this world it has to be a consideration, I couldn't afford to do the surgery if it wouldn't be a cure. I would never forgive myself if I selfishly took her home to slowly bleed to death just because I couldn't let go. I knew what I was going to do.
I took Gerani home that night. She got to relax, lay around, snuggle with me and enjoy steak and Noodles & Co mac and cheese. Anyone who knew her, knows just how much she loved that. My family came by to say goodbye to her and it meant a lot to me. That night, I slept on the floor with her, just to be close to her. The next morning, I said goodbye. I won't say any more about that because it is too painful. Just know she passed away in my arms, surrounded by love and peace. I know Vallie came down to meet her and they crossed the Rainbow Bridge together. As horrible and painful as it is for me, she's happy and at peace. And I know I will see her again. Until then, she's the angel on my shoulder and I have a lifetime of wonderful memories of her.
I put together this video that really catches how I feel about my time with Gerani. I have yet to watch it without tearing up.
The song playing is "See You Again" by Carrie Underwood. I know I will see Gerani again someday. I am not interested in going to heaven if the animals we've loved in our lives are not there.
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