Going to the Chapel and I'm... gonna get MARRIED!

Big changes in my life happening!  First and foremost, I'm getting MARRIED!

EEEEE!

Shocked are we?  If you had asked me three years ago if I would be engaged to the man of my dreams I wouldn't have believed it.  I just never factored it in for me.  What they say is true, when you stop looking for love it will find you.  I'm so lucky to have found happiness and someone to share it with.

I knew he was going to ask me eventually but I didn't know when.  I figured it would be on our upcoming cruise or for my birthday.  If my birthday next month passed without him asking I would have asked him, and told him so.  So I knew that it was going to happen but I pretty much thought it would happen in April.  That's why I was so surprised when he asked me to marry him on Sunday, right in our kitchen.

Sunday he went to the track to ride his motorcycle.  I decided that I was going to make clam chowder from scratch that night.  It turned out amazing by the way.  Very yummy.  Anyway, he got home while I was cooking and we had a nice meal and then we cleaned up.  It was a nice normal night, one of my favorite kinds where we just hang out together at home quietly enjoying each other's company.  I am so in love with this man that just being with him makes me happy.

So after cleaning the kitchen I was standing at the table with my hot chocolate.  My mind was already into the next day thinking about what I had going on.  When Jake came up and hugged me from behind, it was very nice but I wasn't expecting what happened next.  He kissed me and asked me how much I loved him.  I held my hands out to show him how much I love him.  He took my hand, twirled me around and went down on one knee asking "Do you love me enough to be my wife?"

I was so surprised that I was a little behind.  I saw him down on one knee and I heard him but I wasn't quite sure what was happening.  I said "Are you serious?"  Then I saw he was holding a little box and I knew what was happening.  He told me I couldn't see the box until I gave him an answer and, of course, my answer was yes and I kissed and hugged him.  That was the happiest moment of my life.  I just couldn't believe that it was happening right then.  I kept asking him if he was serious.  I'm pretty sure he's serious now.

He stood up and put a GORGEOUS ring on my finger.  I was worried for him because when I got my ring finger sized I looked around at the rings they had and I didn't like very many of them.  Some of the engagement rings out there are so ugly.  So, although I knew he was looking at my Pinterest account, I was a little worried my tastes were too picky.  But nope.  He got me the most beautiful ring that I could have imagined.  I would have said yes if he'd put a cheesy plastic ring on my finger but he did very good and it makes me feel very special.

I am so in love and so happy that anything else happening in my life right now is chump change.  These are the things that are important.  Finding someone that you love so much and you want to commit to having a life with is so much more important than the little things that no one will remember in 10 years.  I can't wait to see where my life goes with Jake.  We're going to have quite and adventure together and I know, I'm going to be happy.

Happy Valentine's Day!

It is no secret that I have hated the day of Valentine for years.  It was cursed for many years, peaking the year that I found out my college boyfriend was cheating on me with my best friend.  Not the most happy memory to associate with hearts and roses.  Timehop reminded me of my thoughts on Valentine's Day two years ago:

Valentine's Day 2013

I think the Valentine's Day curse is broken and not only because I have a valentine that isn't four legged.  Even though I'm in love I still am not fully on board with the whole Valentine's Day thing.  I don't think that we should have to buy things for each other and do extravagant gestures to show we're in love one day a year.  The single people of the world shouldn't have to panic every February 14th because they are deficient.  You can be just as happy single as paired up and it shouldn't have to express your love one day a year by spending money.

That being said, it is hard to avoid.  I do love chocolate... especially those damn chocolate dipped strawberries.  Course I don't need a man to get those for me.  I do have a man though so we did celebrate.  Last year we didn't do anything because I was out of town.  This year, we celebrated early and went out to dinner last night.  Dinner was followed by a serious relationship talk to calm my crazy.  I am a lucky girl to have found such a love.

Jake is also the first guy to be better at the whole gift thing than me.

Pretty pretty pretty!

So Happy Valentine's Day one and all.  I hope you all have a wonderful day whatever you are doing.

Oh and most importantly, remember that tomorrow is Half Priced Chocolate Day!  By far better than Valentine's Day!

Warning! Up on my soapbox!

Soapbox time.

It probably isn't a surprise to any of you that know me well or read my blog that I have tattoos.  All small, all easily hidden, and all very meaningful to me.  Now, it probably isn't a shock to many of you that not everyone supports tattoos, which is fine for them.  What bugs the mother living crap out of me is when you dictate that your believes are correct for me and my life as well.  Bullshit.  Let me tell you a few things about tattoos.

First of all, times are a changing.  I have most of my friends or acquaintances have tattoos.  It isn't something that only skinheads do anymore.  It is becoming mainstream and those of you who hate that just have to get over it.  No one is asking you to tattoo yourself so stop freaking out.  That's a personal choice for everyone but just know that many more people than you think have tattoos.

So here's a little about me:

• I did reasonably well in school.  I didn't party excessively or get into trouble.
• I have a college degree.  I have also paid off all of my student loans in five years.
• I have courage and integrity as a person.
• I contribute positively to society and follow the law.
• I responsibly pay my bills and my taxes on time.
• I am an educated voter.
• I work two jobs tirelessly.
• I own my own business.
• I volunteer in my community.
• I am a kind decent person that helps my fellow man.

I also have five tattoos.  Does that fact change my worth?  Does it make any of the above statements less true or less valuable?  No.  I am the same person whether or not I have ink on my skin.

Whose business is it anyway what my body looks like?  Does anyone get to tell me what my body should or should not be used for it does not impact their life directly?  Why is okay to come to a snap judgement about me because of my ink but we would all reasonably deny that this is acceptable when taking someone's skin tone into consideration.  Someone else's skin color does not matter and has no impact on me.  Therefore, my tattoos should not matter or impact others.  Snap judgements made on superficial aspects of another person are the responsibility of the judger, not the judged.  They also have power over the judger, not the judged.

You may say that people with different skin tones do not get to choose that where I chose my tattoos. Really, that shouldn't matter very much.  I will concede that perhaps my arguments are not valid for someone who chooses to tattoo something overly offensive in an open area of their body purely for shock value.  However, does the fact that I have small, meaningful tattoos change who I am?  If I am in a job interview and am covering my tattoos or if the interviewer can not see me and I am well qualified for the job, would my covered tattoos change that?  No.  Who I am at my core, my values, my knowledge and my abilities do not change with or without tattoos.

Many professionals choose to have tattoos.  Does that change what they are capable of?  No.  And it isn't really your business anyway.  It is more your problem than theirs.

Same person.  Same abilities.

Tattoo shaming comes from a place of judgement, closed mindedness and insecurity.  It comes from the same older generation that defended a man's right to be superior to women or one race's superiority over another.  It is ignorant.  If my expression of myself offends you so much that you can't see past it then remove yourself from me.  It isn't that great of a loss for me to remove ignorance from my life.  The loss is yours.  If they make you uncomfortable and you would like to confront me about them, do so from a defensible stance, not one of "shaming what is different" or from fear of things different from yourself.  I am more than happy to explain the importance of each tattoo to me and why I chose to get it.  If I still offend you, then there is a better place for you to be.  Away from me.  However, I believe that if someone was to learn a little about me before judging me we will come to some kind of understanding.

So really, the choice is yours.  If you want to express an opinion, I will defend your right to express it in a respectful manner.  That doesn't mean I will agree with you or that we will reach any type of agreement.  We may decide to agree to disagree.  If that is going to get in the way of a meaningful relationship then that's your problem.  I am who I am.  I think, overall, I am a good person whether or not you like the fact that I have tattoos.  Your opinion about my life doesn't make a huge impact on me.  Let's keep in mind that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  You take your path and I'll take mine.  If our paths cross just know I will not be so disrespectful as to ignorantly judge you on something superficial.

So why the rant?  Why am I up on my soapbox chanting away at you?

Well, I have tattoos and recently got more.  I have members of my family and people that are close to me that will not be happy with this decision.  Recently, someone I love very much, respect fully and am grateful to for doing something incredibly generous for me called me.  That act of generosity was held over my head as a reason that she could pass unfair judgement on me.  This person is not involved in day to day life and I am left to believe that she thinks very little of me.  Perhaps if she got to know me better she would know that lording over me will do no good.  Perhaps she would also see that I am a good wholesome person and the fact that I have tattoos does not change that.  Perhaps not.  She may be too stuck in her own ways.  That's fine.  Just keep that kind of judgmental attitude away from me.  I can only take the high road for so long.

So feel free to ask about my tattoos.  Feel free to tell me you disagree and wish I hadn't gotten them.  Then feel free to leave it at that because I didn't get them for you; I got them for me.

Winter Happiness

It's a lovely wintry day here in Colorado.  It's been a bit ping pong weather lately but that's Colorado for you.  We got about 4 or 5 inches of snow.  I'm snuggled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, a cat on my lap and two dogs snuggled up next to me.  I couldn't be happier.

In general, I couldn't be happier.  Life is so good right now.  A year ago yesterday I told Jake I loved him and that's even more true today.  We got to sleep in this morning and snuggle.  We're goofy and weird together, which I love because I don't have to hide my quirks. I've also never felt safer and more taken care of than I do with him.  I love the life we have together and I can't wait to get to do more and more things with Samuel.

Although I'm not super thrilled with work at the moment but it is what it is.  I'm getting used to that.  You have a give and take with a job like this.  I am looking forward to being able to quit and go full time with House of Dog Training.  I am so happy to have gotten away from LD.  I knew I was unhappy there but I didn't know just how much of a strangle hold it had on me until I was out of there.  There are still some lingering attachments there that I think I would be happy without but hopefully as soon as House of Dog Training can take a more active roll in the rescue things will get better.  I can't wait to take a more active roll in the rescue.  I feel bad that I have been so removed from it but I have to keep my mental health in mind and I will not compromise with that.

Health is on going.  I do cheat a little eating but I've been doing pretty well.  I don't eat fast food anymore.  I haven't had a soda in over a month.  I am back to doing a protein smoothie a day where I get all my veggies and fruit.  I went for a three mile run the other day and took yesterday off.  I was going to go for another run today but it snowed so we'll go to the gym later when Jake gets home from work.

Overall, I love my life.  I knew that happiness was in the cards for me.  I'm so glad I kept that in mind and worked for it.

It shouldn't happen to anyone

I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post about this but it is something that I've been thinking about.  Since Kathleen has not been hiding what happened, I hope she won't mind me talking about it here.

You know Kathleen.  Kathleen and I have been friends for over a decade.  I knew her before high school, though I can't remember exactly when.  We met through a mutual friend, my neighbor Kaylee.  Kathleen was a military brat though and moved away before high school.  Still, somehow we kept in touch with a mutual love of reading, writing, fantasy and geekery.  We really bonded over a Harry Potter fandom and then took off writing our own Harry Potter spin off with characters that are as real to me as people I know and are still very near and dear to my heart.

About two years ago, Kathleen moved here from Ohio.  I am glad that she got to come to Colorado but it happened in a very weird time of my life.  I was finally admitting to myself that, although I had come so far in my mental health, I still was far from happy.  The hermit and cut off lifestyle I had been living was wearing on me and I was yearning for a change.  I flirted with leaving Colorado and moving somewhere but finally settled on the fact that I didn't have to leave to be happy; I just had to do some personal work and change my lifestyle.  With my lifestyle change, living with Kathleen was not what either of us thought it would be.  Suddenly, our lifestyles were so different.  I didn't want to be shut at home anymore and I was trying to be more social and build relationships.  I was also dabbling with dating.

As they say, sometimes living with your friends doesn't work out.  I wasn't able to be the support system that I think she needed and she wasn't in the place in her life to fit in with the changes I was making to my life.  Too many changes too fast and we struggled to keep our friendship together.  It was hard and eventually she moved out, which I think was the best thing to do.  I was spending more and more time at Jake's and was very rarely at home.  As time went on, we just grew distant.  Neither of us are wonderful at staying in touch with people that we don't see daily.  I was off the computer and trying to interact with the world more and before our number one communication had been online.  It was just all hard and we let our friendship slide a bit.

We were both changing and exploring new things in our lives.  Suddenly we were both in serious relationships.  I had Jake and she had Brandon.  Different relationships but suddenly, I think for both of us, that we understood what "relationship" and "love" meant.  Although we didn't see each other all the time and we were both busy, I feel that Kathleen will always be that friend that was with me through my hard times and knew me better than 90% of the world.  Kathleen will always mean the world to me no matter what.

That is why it pained me to see her struggle.  I think we all will have dark times in life which is different for everyone.  Kathleen is going through that now.  She had some struggles but she was seeing them clearly and starting to work on them.  She was happier than I'd seen her in a long time and if anyone knows how hard it is to admit you need help and need to work on yourself it is me so I really admired her for that.

Now to the part that is hard to talk about.  Her boyfriend, Brandon, was also struggling and had suffered for a long time.  Just after Christmas, he took his own life.  I can not imagine the pain that Kathleen felt losing someone she was so in love with and meant so much to her.  There are very few things that are worse in this world and it was so painful for me to watch her go through that and know there was nothing I could do to solve it or take the pain away.  I've always been a bit of a protective person and once you're in my inner circle there are very few things that I won't do for you.  I don't like to see my people suffer and hurt and feel so helpless to do anything.  I felt guilty that I couldn't get to her right away after she called me.  I felt guilty that there was nothing I could do but hug her and let her cry.  I hope, somehow, I managed to help her through those really horrible days.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

With the deaths of Robin Williams and Dr. Sophia Yin, suicide has been on my mind and on my blog more this year than ever.  I never imagined it would personally effect someone so close to me though.  I can't imagine how the loved ones of people who take their own lives, understand it.  I hope that Kathleen can find healing and closure to her relationship with Brandon.  I hope that his other loved ones are able to heal and make peace.  I hope that he is at peace and no longer in pain.

Suicide is horrible.  It is horrible for the ones left behind and it is horrible that someone is hurting so much that it is the only out they see.  It is something that people are unsure of how to handle or address but it is a problem in our society that needs to be addressed.  No one should feel so alone that they feel they have to take their own lives.  Mental illness and victimization by others should not be something that we as a community don't want to talk about and deal with.  Out of sight, out of mind doesn't work because for some people they can't get away from their demons.  We have to be a community of support for those who are suffering and the people in their lives who don't know how to help.

Kathleen went back to Ohio to be with her family and to heal.  I will miss her and we will have to make the effort to keep our friendship going.  However, I will always be here for her and I hope she uses that strength that I know she has to find closure, make peace and continue her own healing.  Most of all, I hope she remembers how loved and cherished she is by more people than she knows.  I would do anything to change what happened for her because she has always deserved so much better.  She deserves happiness and I know it will find her.

I hope she isn't mad at me for this either but I had to sit down and get some of this out.

Welcome to 2015!

Goodbye 2014 and welcome to 2015!  I can't believe that the year has come and gone already.  It really snuck up on me.  This was the first time in a while that I didn't really do anything for New Years Eve.  Work was terrible that day so I admit I wasn't in the mood to party.  We did end up meeting some friends at Noodles for a low key, off the beaten path dinner.  Then we went to the Broadmoor to walk around and see the Christmas lights, since that is something that I do every year and had yet to see this season.  I have to admit though, as beautiful as they were, I was so cold that we were only there for maybe a half an hour.  Then home we went and, since Jake has made me an old person, we went to bed.  At midnight, we were asleep.  We woke up, gave each other a New Years' kiss and went back to sleep.  That's how you ring in the new year man!

I do have to say, 2014 was such a wonderful year for me.  My relationship with Jake has grown and become something that I never thought to ask for.  I got to meet his family and he met mine.  We moved in together which has been amazing.  I never knew living with someone would be so natural and so wonderful.  I am so excited for 2015 with the love of my life.

I got to scratch some things off of my bucket list, most notably the hot air balloon ride which was amazing.  I've decided that I want to live my life with adventure.  Maybe I can't have grand adventures everyday but I want to do something adventurous every month.  Life shouldn't be a rat race all the time.  We need moments to look forward to.

I quit a job I had grown to hate.  It was souring my dream and I finally got the courage up to quit and get rid of that negativity in my life.  I want to continue that forward into the new year, no more negativity.  Life is too short for me to deal with people or things that make me miserable.  I don't want to be miserable anymore.  Although LD started out as such a positive influence in my life, it certainly flipped near the end there where I hated it.  It is weird to think that things can change so drastically but I think being honest about your happiness and not making excuses is very healthy.

I'm also heading into a new adventure with my own business which is terrifying but exciting at the same time.  I can't wait to do things my way and answer to myself and not have to worry about the crazy negativity of others.  I'm still pretty terrified of it though.

I got a pretty big promotion at WNW.  It isn't a job I want to stay with forever but I take pride in improving my situation.  I think I am outgrowing it rapidly but it is something that I very much enjoy right now.

Jeanine came into our lives.  I secretly hope she stays in our lives...

Going into the new year, I have dedicated the word "health" to the year.  I want to become healthy physically which has been something I need to dedicate more energy to for a long time.  Since I have a cruise hanging over my head in a couple of months I need to get serious about it.  Health also means mental and emotional.  I've been taking that seriously for over a year now and it brought Jake into my life.  There are still things that I need to work on and improve but that's life.  Life is a work in progress where we learn lessons and make changes. 

I hope 2015 brings health, positive changes and happiness.  I want so many things but there are two things that I want more than anything.  What do you think that is?

Merry Christmas!

Okay so this is a little late but I haven't felt like sitting down on the computer to type it out for a while.  So anyway, I hope you all had a great Christmas.

We spent Christmas Eve having dinner with my family.  That was really nice.  My mom is an amazing cook and I just love the warm comfort of a family dinner.  That is one of my favorite things in the world.  We got out of there rather late, for us anyway (Jake has transformed me into an old person who wants to go to bed at nine).  While we drove home I just kept thinking about how all the kids were warm in their beds waiting with such excitement for what Santa was bringing them.  That was one of my favorite memories of childhood.

Christmas morning we packed up all the presents and headed back to my parents' house for Christmas morning.  Coffee, breakfast, family and presents.  You really can't complain about that.  We did stockings and Jake has his own stocking now.  My parents also got him quite a few presents.  I don't think he realizes it but it really warms my heart to see him coming into the fold of my family and accepting the fact that we're close and do things that he probably hasn't done before.  He's such a good sport and I love him all the more for it.  I also love that my family has accepted him.  He's my  heart and I so wanted him to be a part of my family.

I have to brag more on what I got for other people than what I got from them.  I got my mom little bird Christmas figurines to add to her bird theme.  I got my dad a Broncos blanket and coffee mug.  I got my sister two books of needlework she wanted for the baby's room.  She has a lot of work to do!  I got Jak a shirt that says "Keep Calm and Nerf On" for his obsession with Dart Warz.  I got my older brother a really nice handmade wooden coin holder for his military coins with the Air Force insignia and his name on it.  Though that was the package that the post office lost/stole.  Jerks.  So it didn't get here until after Christmas.  I got my younger brother a bag of coffee which is supposed to be the strongest coffee in the world.  I got Jake a coin holder for his military coins too only with United States Army on it.  One of his presents is still coming so I can't say anything about it.

Amongst many things I got a paw washer for the dogs, a tablet, a sonic toothbrush (which sounds weird but I would have never bought it for myself and I actually love it), some books from my brother, money for office furniture, a fitbit to track fitness, and other bits and pieces.  It was really great.  Jake got me a penguin onesie and seat warmers for my car.  Awesome!

After Christmas with my family we went home and Jake got Samuel.  We had a small present opening with him and that was a lot of fun.  Kids on Christmas are SO much fun.  The excitement is infectious.  I got him Harry Potter and The Sorcerers Stone and a customized ornament for his aikido orange belt.  I want him to get an ornament every year like my mom did for me.  I also want to read to him so hence the book.  Sure, he wasn't thrilled with them but at least they weren't a video game or something.  We went out to play with two of his presents, a pogo stick and a little jump rocket launcher thing.  I'm telling you, kids on Christmas.

We finished up with dinner, peppermint ice cream and watching the Muppets Christmas Carol.  I read Samuel Harry Potter until he fell alseep and it was just a wonderful Christmas.  I couldn't have asked for more.

I am more and more in love with my life day by day.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!