First of all, I'm sick. I hate being sick. I also hate it when you're not sick enough to just lay in bed and sleep but too sick to perform without looking like a zombie. That's about where I am. I want to be better but can't seem to shake this. Fever, aches, chills and now we're adding a sore throat to the mix. I've been doing so well not being sick this year that it sucks that it is happening now. I want to enjoy fall, not curse it because I'm freezing to death. Please just let me be well so I don't have to chug Dayquil like a alcoholic.
In my never ending quest to unpack and get organized, I came across some old journals of mine. Some from high school and some from college. I read them and it amazes me just how lost I was. In high school I was your typical teen that had no idea about the real world but things that affected me did so on such a deep level. I was so anxious for the next stage in my life where I could have some control and really develop into someone that I wanted to be. Looking back on high school now, I have mostly fond memories. Overall I didn't hate high school but man I had some unhappy days. I guess that is what you would see in a journal though because I didn't write much about the good things when I was happy. I wrote when I was unhappy because it was therapeutic to get those negative thoughts and feelings out of me. That's probably why I was such a huge writer back in my unhappy days and have kind of gotten out of the habit of it now that I'm happy and more fulfilled. One of these days I am going to have to get on my old Livejournal account because I wrote on that much more than I did in a physical journal.
College was actually a much worse time in my life than high school was. I was in such a dark place and I think some of that came from the fact that I had so much hope for college. It is supposed to be the best years of your life where you meet the people you are going to be friends with for the rest of your life. It was supposed to be the time that defines the road you take for the rest of your life. I wanted that dream. What I got was so different than expected. I was in an unhappy place; I was uncomfortable in my own skin and really didn't like myself very much. Not being able to meet that expectation made it even worse that I was unhappy and didn't fit in no matter what I tried. I think I was predisposed to it but that certainly made my depression worse. I was diagnosed with serious depression and insomnia in college. I have never felt more alone, isolated, lost and crushed by the world around me than I did then. Looking back at those diary entries, I cried a bit because I was just so desperate for any type of happiness. Honestly, it is a miracle that I came out of that without a serious drug or alcohol problem or without having attempted suicide. I think writing in those journals was one of the few things that kept me together. That and my dogs. Again that explains my unnatural attachment to dogs.
As depressed as I was and it is hard to read that, it is therapeutic for me to see just how far I have come. I have done so much work on myself. I think the most important thing I have learned is to be strong in myself and confident in my own skin. I accept who I am and love it. I also dug myself out of the deep hole of depression. Once I had that figured out everything fell into place behind that. I would have never thought that I would be as happy as I am now in a relationship and starting my own business. Back then I wanted this so badly that I was just crushed. Finally I figured out you have to make yourself happy in small ways and be content with yourself before the big things fall into place for you. That is the biggest thing I wish I could tell myself 10 years ago is learn to be you with no apologies and love yourself for it. Everything will follow. Just because things don't happen immediately doesn't mean that it won't happen and it won't be perfect for you when it does.
I've been on an America's Next Top Model kick for a while now. Don't judge me but I love that show. No I have no interest in being a model and I laugh at all the drama but the pictures are beautiful. I was thinking about it today and I think that I am drawn to that show because a lot of those girls on there are going through the journey of discovering themselves and what they want. They have to learn confidence in themselves and being comfortable in their own skin. It has only been the last year and a half that I have felt truly comfortable in my own skin. I can't imagine trying to do that at their age when at that age I was struggling so much. That's pretty tough.
Maybe I just like the drama of the show haha. But it all got me to thinking. I am so happy with who I am now and I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had because it thought me so much. If there was one thing I would change it would be the college I went to and not asking for help sooner. But we can't undo those things. You embrace them and make them a brick you can build a happy life around.
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