Winter Happiness

It's a lovely wintry day here in Colorado.  It's been a bit ping pong weather lately but that's Colorado for you.  We got about 4 or 5 inches of snow.  I'm snuggled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, a cat on my lap and two dogs snuggled up next to me.  I couldn't be happier.

In general, I couldn't be happier.  Life is so good right now.  A year ago yesterday I told Jake I loved him and that's even more true today.  We got to sleep in this morning and snuggle.  We're goofy and weird together, which I love because I don't have to hide my quirks. I've also never felt safer and more taken care of than I do with him.  I love the life we have together and I can't wait to get to do more and more things with Samuel.

Although I'm not super thrilled with work at the moment but it is what it is.  I'm getting used to that.  You have a give and take with a job like this.  I am looking forward to being able to quit and go full time with House of Dog Training.  I am so happy to have gotten away from LD.  I knew I was unhappy there but I didn't know just how much of a strangle hold it had on me until I was out of there.  There are still some lingering attachments there that I think I would be happy without but hopefully as soon as House of Dog Training can take a more active roll in the rescue things will get better.  I can't wait to take a more active roll in the rescue.  I feel bad that I have been so removed from it but I have to keep my mental health in mind and I will not compromise with that.

Health is on going.  I do cheat a little eating but I've been doing pretty well.  I don't eat fast food anymore.  I haven't had a soda in over a month.  I am back to doing a protein smoothie a day where I get all my veggies and fruit.  I went for a three mile run the other day and took yesterday off.  I was going to go for another run today but it snowed so we'll go to the gym later when Jake gets home from work.

Overall, I love my life.  I knew that happiness was in the cards for me.  I'm so glad I kept that in mind and worked for it.

It shouldn't happen to anyone

I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post about this but it is something that I've been thinking about.  Since Kathleen has not been hiding what happened, I hope she won't mind me talking about it here.

You know Kathleen.  Kathleen and I have been friends for over a decade.  I knew her before high school, though I can't remember exactly when.  We met through a mutual friend, my neighbor Kaylee.  Kathleen was a military brat though and moved away before high school.  Still, somehow we kept in touch with a mutual love of reading, writing, fantasy and geekery.  We really bonded over a Harry Potter fandom and then took off writing our own Harry Potter spin off with characters that are as real to me as people I know and are still very near and dear to my heart.

About two years ago, Kathleen moved here from Ohio.  I am glad that she got to come to Colorado but it happened in a very weird time of my life.  I was finally admitting to myself that, although I had come so far in my mental health, I still was far from happy.  The hermit and cut off lifestyle I had been living was wearing on me and I was yearning for a change.  I flirted with leaving Colorado and moving somewhere but finally settled on the fact that I didn't have to leave to be happy; I just had to do some personal work and change my lifestyle.  With my lifestyle change, living with Kathleen was not what either of us thought it would be.  Suddenly, our lifestyles were so different.  I didn't want to be shut at home anymore and I was trying to be more social and build relationships.  I was also dabbling with dating.

As they say, sometimes living with your friends doesn't work out.  I wasn't able to be the support system that I think she needed and she wasn't in the place in her life to fit in with the changes I was making to my life.  Too many changes too fast and we struggled to keep our friendship together.  It was hard and eventually she moved out, which I think was the best thing to do.  I was spending more and more time at Jake's and was very rarely at home.  As time went on, we just grew distant.  Neither of us are wonderful at staying in touch with people that we don't see daily.  I was off the computer and trying to interact with the world more and before our number one communication had been online.  It was just all hard and we let our friendship slide a bit.

We were both changing and exploring new things in our lives.  Suddenly we were both in serious relationships.  I had Jake and she had Brandon.  Different relationships but suddenly, I think for both of us, that we understood what "relationship" and "love" meant.  Although we didn't see each other all the time and we were both busy, I feel that Kathleen will always be that friend that was with me through my hard times and knew me better than 90% of the world.  Kathleen will always mean the world to me no matter what.

That is why it pained me to see her struggle.  I think we all will have dark times in life which is different for everyone.  Kathleen is going through that now.  She had some struggles but she was seeing them clearly and starting to work on them.  She was happier than I'd seen her in a long time and if anyone knows how hard it is to admit you need help and need to work on yourself it is me so I really admired her for that.

Now to the part that is hard to talk about.  Her boyfriend, Brandon, was also struggling and had suffered for a long time.  Just after Christmas, he took his own life.  I can not imagine the pain that Kathleen felt losing someone she was so in love with and meant so much to her.  There are very few things that are worse in this world and it was so painful for me to watch her go through that and know there was nothing I could do to solve it or take the pain away.  I've always been a bit of a protective person and once you're in my inner circle there are very few things that I won't do for you.  I don't like to see my people suffer and hurt and feel so helpless to do anything.  I felt guilty that I couldn't get to her right away after she called me.  I felt guilty that there was nothing I could do but hug her and let her cry.  I hope, somehow, I managed to help her through those really horrible days.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

With the deaths of Robin Williams and Dr. Sophia Yin, suicide has been on my mind and on my blog more this year than ever.  I never imagined it would personally effect someone so close to me though.  I can't imagine how the loved ones of people who take their own lives, understand it.  I hope that Kathleen can find healing and closure to her relationship with Brandon.  I hope that his other loved ones are able to heal and make peace.  I hope that he is at peace and no longer in pain.

Suicide is horrible.  It is horrible for the ones left behind and it is horrible that someone is hurting so much that it is the only out they see.  It is something that people are unsure of how to handle or address but it is a problem in our society that needs to be addressed.  No one should feel so alone that they feel they have to take their own lives.  Mental illness and victimization by others should not be something that we as a community don't want to talk about and deal with.  Out of sight, out of mind doesn't work because for some people they can't get away from their demons.  We have to be a community of support for those who are suffering and the people in their lives who don't know how to help.

Kathleen went back to Ohio to be with her family and to heal.  I will miss her and we will have to make the effort to keep our friendship going.  However, I will always be here for her and I hope she uses that strength that I know she has to find closure, make peace and continue her own healing.  Most of all, I hope she remembers how loved and cherished she is by more people than she knows.  I would do anything to change what happened for her because she has always deserved so much better.  She deserves happiness and I know it will find her.

I hope she isn't mad at me for this either but I had to sit down and get some of this out.

Welcome to 2015!

Goodbye 2014 and welcome to 2015!  I can't believe that the year has come and gone already.  It really snuck up on me.  This was the first time in a while that I didn't really do anything for New Years Eve.  Work was terrible that day so I admit I wasn't in the mood to party.  We did end up meeting some friends at Noodles for a low key, off the beaten path dinner.  Then we went to the Broadmoor to walk around and see the Christmas lights, since that is something that I do every year and had yet to see this season.  I have to admit though, as beautiful as they were, I was so cold that we were only there for maybe a half an hour.  Then home we went and, since Jake has made me an old person, we went to bed.  At midnight, we were asleep.  We woke up, gave each other a New Years' kiss and went back to sleep.  That's how you ring in the new year man!

I do have to say, 2014 was such a wonderful year for me.  My relationship with Jake has grown and become something that I never thought to ask for.  I got to meet his family and he met mine.  We moved in together which has been amazing.  I never knew living with someone would be so natural and so wonderful.  I am so excited for 2015 with the love of my life.

I got to scratch some things off of my bucket list, most notably the hot air balloon ride which was amazing.  I've decided that I want to live my life with adventure.  Maybe I can't have grand adventures everyday but I want to do something adventurous every month.  Life shouldn't be a rat race all the time.  We need moments to look forward to.

I quit a job I had grown to hate.  It was souring my dream and I finally got the courage up to quit and get rid of that negativity in my life.  I want to continue that forward into the new year, no more negativity.  Life is too short for me to deal with people or things that make me miserable.  I don't want to be miserable anymore.  Although LD started out as such a positive influence in my life, it certainly flipped near the end there where I hated it.  It is weird to think that things can change so drastically but I think being honest about your happiness and not making excuses is very healthy.

I'm also heading into a new adventure with my own business which is terrifying but exciting at the same time.  I can't wait to do things my way and answer to myself and not have to worry about the crazy negativity of others.  I'm still pretty terrified of it though.

I got a pretty big promotion at WNW.  It isn't a job I want to stay with forever but I take pride in improving my situation.  I think I am outgrowing it rapidly but it is something that I very much enjoy right now.

Jeanine came into our lives.  I secretly hope she stays in our lives...

Going into the new year, I have dedicated the word "health" to the year.  I want to become healthy physically which has been something I need to dedicate more energy to for a long time.  Since I have a cruise hanging over my head in a couple of months I need to get serious about it.  Health also means mental and emotional.  I've been taking that seriously for over a year now and it brought Jake into my life.  There are still things that I need to work on and improve but that's life.  Life is a work in progress where we learn lessons and make changes. 

I hope 2015 brings health, positive changes and happiness.  I want so many things but there are two things that I want more than anything.  What do you think that is?

Merry Christmas!

Okay so this is a little late but I haven't felt like sitting down on the computer to type it out for a while.  So anyway, I hope you all had a great Christmas.

We spent Christmas Eve having dinner with my family.  That was really nice.  My mom is an amazing cook and I just love the warm comfort of a family dinner.  That is one of my favorite things in the world.  We got out of there rather late, for us anyway (Jake has transformed me into an old person who wants to go to bed at nine).  While we drove home I just kept thinking about how all the kids were warm in their beds waiting with such excitement for what Santa was bringing them.  That was one of my favorite memories of childhood.

Christmas morning we packed up all the presents and headed back to my parents' house for Christmas morning.  Coffee, breakfast, family and presents.  You really can't complain about that.  We did stockings and Jake has his own stocking now.  My parents also got him quite a few presents.  I don't think he realizes it but it really warms my heart to see him coming into the fold of my family and accepting the fact that we're close and do things that he probably hasn't done before.  He's such a good sport and I love him all the more for it.  I also love that my family has accepted him.  He's my  heart and I so wanted him to be a part of my family.

I have to brag more on what I got for other people than what I got from them.  I got my mom little bird Christmas figurines to add to her bird theme.  I got my dad a Broncos blanket and coffee mug.  I got my sister two books of needlework she wanted for the baby's room.  She has a lot of work to do!  I got Jak a shirt that says "Keep Calm and Nerf On" for his obsession with Dart Warz.  I got my older brother a really nice handmade wooden coin holder for his military coins with the Air Force insignia and his name on it.  Though that was the package that the post office lost/stole.  Jerks.  So it didn't get here until after Christmas.  I got my younger brother a bag of coffee which is supposed to be the strongest coffee in the world.  I got Jake a coin holder for his military coins too only with United States Army on it.  One of his presents is still coming so I can't say anything about it.

Amongst many things I got a paw washer for the dogs, a tablet, a sonic toothbrush (which sounds weird but I would have never bought it for myself and I actually love it), some books from my brother, money for office furniture, a fitbit to track fitness, and other bits and pieces.  It was really great.  Jake got me a penguin onesie and seat warmers for my car.  Awesome!

After Christmas with my family we went home and Jake got Samuel.  We had a small present opening with him and that was a lot of fun.  Kids on Christmas are SO much fun.  The excitement is infectious.  I got him Harry Potter and The Sorcerers Stone and a customized ornament for his aikido orange belt.  I want him to get an ornament every year like my mom did for me.  I also want to read to him so hence the book.  Sure, he wasn't thrilled with them but at least they weren't a video game or something.  We went out to play with two of his presents, a pogo stick and a little jump rocket launcher thing.  I'm telling you, kids on Christmas.

We finished up with dinner, peppermint ice cream and watching the Muppets Christmas Carol.  I read Samuel Harry Potter until he fell alseep and it was just a wonderful Christmas.  I couldn't have asked for more.

I am more and more in love with my life day by day.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

Party in the Christmas Style

I forgot to talk about my Christmas party.  It is really nice that WNW has a Christmas party at a really nice restaurant.  I'd never really enjoyed work Christmas parties before the WNW party but I just wish it was closer.  So, they have it on a Sunday and have the stores close early and rent a bus to take all the Colorado Springs employees up to Denver.  The thing they didn't factor in is that the bus leaves half an hour after the stores closed.  My store is at least 15 minutes away from the bus.  It just doesn't leave enough time to close the store, get ready and rush for the bus... of course I'd rather not take the bus anyway.  We drove up with friends.

Anyway, it was a fun night.  The food was fantastic and it was a great chance to catch up with Ryan, whom our store sorely misses.  We had fun going up there and seeing the rest of WNW... though our store doesn't talk to the other stores.  We're Powers baby!

It was a good time, didn't get a good gift in the exchange but I will regift it.  Got some drinks, got fed and got a good bonus.  Overall, it wasn't better than last year but what can you do?  Maybe next year will be better if I'm still there.

Horrible pictures but here you go:

Christmas is in the Air!

It is no secret that I love the holidays.  I love the winter and Christmas and I'm actually getting at least somewhat in the spirit this year.  I kind of missed out last year which made me sad but this year I'm hitting all the traditions...

Gingerbread house:
When we were kids, my mom would make these huge gingerbread houses for us to decorate.  Not just that dinky house you decorated at school but all out gingerbread house... or fort, or log cabin, or castle... Stained glass windows and over a foot high.  Then she would set us loose with candy and frosting... honestly it was brave of her to let four kids who never got sugar go to town like that.  Anyway, we did it again this year.  I think she mostly did it for Samuel but I had fun too.  We did a train station and I think it turned out pretty well.

It is all edible... and we did eat some.  Which I regretted later in the day. What with frosting and eating your decorating mistakes, it was way too much sugar in one sitting.  How do kids do that?  Bleck.  But it was so much fun to do again.  Maybe this tradition will live on.

Tree cutting.  This may be one of my favorite childhood Christmas memories.  Every year, we would pack up to the mountains in search of the perfect, or in our case huge and fat, Christmas tree.  We would go with the families of Ruth Washburn with cookies and hot chocolate and have the time of our lives running around the mountains.  I always had so much fun and I'm so glad we got to do that again this year.  Mr. Hannigan's organization owns a ranch up in the mountains that we went to this year for a free tree.  Since this winter has been relatively mild, it was warm and sunny and beautiful.  We drove up there with Samuel and the dogs and began the great tree hunt.  First thing out of the car, what does Whitman do?  He peed all over my leg!  Stupid dog had all these trees and rocks to mark and he just had to lift his leg on me.  It was lovely... of course, I can't say that is the first time that a dog has peed on me and it probably won't be the last sadly.  Anyway, it really didn't take us too long to find the tree we wanted and Samuel and I sawed it down.

We were up there for less than an hour.  I had to get back to work which sucked because I would have loved to soak in that mountain air a little more.  Jeanine LOVED her first expedition to the mountains.  She ran around like a crazy girl and found a stick.  Such a Labrador.  I am so happy that she expressed her joy in a way that didn't include urine on my leg.

Thank goodness I live with Jake now because when we got home he got the wonderful job of putting the tree up.  I would do it but I do prefer this way because I don't get sap on me or poked.

Decorating.  One of my favorite things to do was get all the Christmas boxes out and decorate!  Over the years I have slowly started accumulating my own boxes of Christmas decorations.  I love this process!  Of course I get my best stuff after Christmas when it is all on sale. Anyway, this was the first year that I've actually put up Christmas lights on the house by myself.  And when I say by myself, I mean with Jake's help.  I am so pleased!

Every year, my mom got us ornaments about something we did that year.  I've continued this tradition with Samuel this year.  Needless to say, I have a lot of ornaments now.  I usually put as many up as I can and the poor tree gets overwhelmed but this year I tried to put a cap on it and limit the swarm on the tree.  It looks a little naked to me but still nice I guess.

Even the dogs got involved in the decorating fun... or they were lassoed in.  I plead the fifth.

One of the best things about this time of year is gift giving.  I like getting gifts, just like everyone else in the world.  If you say you don't like getting gifts then you're lying.  Anyway, I like that but I LOVE giving gifts.  I love picking out things that I think will just be the perfect gift.  I love people's faces when they get something they love and had no idea to even ask for.  I hope everyone loves their gifts this year.  More on that later.

Until then, happy holidays!

Advancement!

I am completely exhausted today.  I just haven't been able to wake up.  It feels like I am trudging along through mud and it is sucking me under.  It is the feeling I used to get when I was an insomniac and I do not need that again.  It is frightening because I haven't been sleeping well and the last thing I need is to develop insomnia again.  I'm always on high alert for insomnia.

Anyway, I figured I'd take the opportunity to catch up on some news in my life.  I am still working at WNW and have climbed the food chain.  Recently I was promoted to assistant manager, which is great with a very small pay raise... wish it was more.

It is ironic because, when I started here, I swore that I wouldn't go after advancement.  I had a bad taste in my mouth from LD to the doctors office and I just wanted a job that I enjoyed and had no pressure on.  I especially had a bad taste in my mouth about management from my experience with LD.  I was SO thrilled to be baker here and never had more fun at a job but finally got out of that into a key holder position for the money.  I wish I was still the baker because seriously, you can't have a more stress free and fun job than that.  Still, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised because I've never been in a job that I didn't look for advancement in.  There just must be something about me.  If, after a year, I don't feel there is advancement opportunities, I get bored with it real quick and move on.  I've noticed that in my past work experience.  So really, getting to assistant manager in a year isn't that big of a surprise.  It is just something that I go for and can't help but work for the goal of advancement.

Honestly, I look around at the other stores in this company and I am kind of surprised to find so many employees that have been working for years in one position and haven't moved up the corporate ladder.  That is hard for me to grasp that you'd want to work in a retail environment for years and not advance.  I think I'd go crazy but that may just be me.  Comparatively, WNW is not a bad company to work for.  I have my gripes, as any employee does, but I have seem much worse companies and I've been interested in working for them for years.  In this town, they are the leaders in pet nutrition.  I have been sending my clients to WNW for years to get advice on pet foods.  So I am happy to work here but I guess I could have never done it without looking for the next step.

I am looking much more into doing other things but a career at WNW is a possibility for me if nothing else.  The GM said that I am next in line for a store manager position so that is encouraging.  A year with the company and I've already leapfrogged many other people just because I want it and I can't do a job without trying to succeed and be better.  Just how I was raised I guess.  Who knows what the next year will bring.