Crafty and Spooky!

The winds of change are blowing, which is sad.  I am sad to see some things change and SO happy to see other things in my life change.  It is the changes that I didn't initiate that I am sad about.  I hate to see things that have brought me so much joy to my life end.  I can't tell you what it is until Monday but it has me kind of down.  I just have to remind myself that nothing can stay the same forever.  We wouldn't be happy if things were stagnant forever.  It is up to me to keep this in a positive light and look forward to the possibilities that it opens up for me.  Still kind of sucks though.

Anyway, other things.

Halloween is coming up and I've had some fun with it this year.  Every year, I say I am going to go all out decorating the house.  Someday I am going to have the best decorations and scare the pants off all the little trick or treaters.  I haven't quite made it there.  Something always seems to trip me up.  I have all these grand plans of making these things in my mind but in reality I'm a slow crafter so it takes me forever to do anything.  BUT... I did get around to making some great things.

First up Samuel and I were excited to make a bubbling witches' brew.  It really helps get into the holiday spirit when you have a kid that is just as excited as you are about it.  Having Samuel around is great because he gives me the excuse to do all the crazy things that I always want to do.  Anyway, I bought a cheap plastic cauldron and got two cans of the sealant foam that you put around windows and stuff.  We filled the cauldron with it, let it dry a bit, then stuck some creepy crawlies in it.  Tada!

Okay so I might have gone a little overboard and made it too bubbly but it was fun and considering I did it, I think it turned out alright!  Bubble bubble toil and trouble...

Next, these took me forever and probably annoyed the crap out of Jake because I had a mini explosion of supplies in my attempt to make them... but I love them.  Homemade gravestones!  Yeah right, I am not going to pay $40 for something I can make myself for a fraction of the price.  I had fun with these and next time I do it I'll be able to do it faster and better.  I admit I got sick of the painting so they are not as three demential and shaded as I would like but that will be for the next batch.  For now, I am tickled with how they turned out!

Next year, I'll add more on.  Pinterest is a goldmine of crafty things that may or may not go so well.  But the point is that I have fun with it and something halfway useable comes out.

Happy Soon to Be Halloween everyone!

Journals from the Past

First of all, I'm sick.  I hate being sick.  I also hate it when you're not sick enough to just lay in bed and sleep but too sick to perform without looking like a zombie.  That's about where I am.  I want to be better but can't seem to shake this.  Fever, aches, chills and now we're adding a sore throat to the mix.  I've been doing so well not being sick this year that it sucks that it is happening now.  I want to enjoy fall, not curse it because I'm freezing to death.  Please just let me be well so I don't have to chug Dayquil like a alcoholic.

In my never ending quest to unpack and get organized, I came across some old journals of mine.  Some from high school and some from college.  I read them and it amazes me just how lost I was.  In high school I was your typical teen that had no idea about the real world but things that affected me did so on such a deep level.  I was so anxious for the next stage in my life where I could have some control and really develop into someone that I wanted to be.  Looking back on high school now, I have mostly fond memories.  Overall I didn't hate high school but man I had some unhappy days.  I guess that is what you would see in a journal though because I didn't write much about the good things when I was happy.  I wrote when I was unhappy because it was therapeutic to get those negative thoughts and feelings out of me.  That's probably why I was such a huge writer back in my unhappy days and have kind of gotten out of the habit of it now that I'm happy and more fulfilled.  One of these days I am going to have to get on my old Livejournal account because I wrote on that much more than I did in a physical journal.

College was actually a much worse time in my life than high school was.  I was in such a dark place and I think some of that came from the fact that I had so much hope for college.  It is supposed to be the best years of your life where you meet the people you are going to be friends with for the rest of your life.  It was supposed to be the time that defines the road you take for the rest of your life.  I wanted that dream.  What I got was so different than expected.  I was in an unhappy place; I was uncomfortable in my own skin and really didn't like myself very much.  Not being able to meet that expectation made it even worse that I was unhappy and didn't fit in no matter what I tried.  I think I was predisposed to it but that certainly made my depression worse.  I was diagnosed with serious depression and insomnia in college.  I have never felt more alone, isolated, lost and crushed by the world around me than I did then.  Looking back at those diary entries, I cried a bit because I was just so desperate for any type of happiness.  Honestly, it is a miracle that I came out of that without a serious drug or alcohol problem or without having attempted suicide.  I think writing in those journals was one of the few things that kept me together.  That and my dogs.  Again that explains my unnatural attachment to dogs.

As depressed as I was and it is hard to read that, it is therapeutic for me to see just how far I have come.  I have done so much work on myself.  I think the most important thing I have learned is to be strong in myself and confident in my own skin.  I accept who I am and love it.  I also dug myself out of the deep hole of depression.  Once I had that figured out everything fell into place behind that.  I would have never thought that I would be as happy as I am now in a relationship and starting my own business.  Back then I wanted this so badly that I was just crushed.  Finally I figured out you have to make yourself happy in small ways and be content with yourself before the big things fall into place for you.  That is the biggest thing I wish I could tell myself 10 years ago is learn to be you with no apologies and love yourself for it.  Everything will follow.  Just because things don't happen immediately doesn't mean that it won't happen and it won't be perfect for you when it does.

I've been on an America's Next Top Model kick for a while now.  Don't judge me but I love that show.  No I have no interest in being a model and I laugh at all the drama but the pictures are beautiful.  I was thinking about it today and I think that I am drawn to that show because a lot of those girls on there are going through the journey of discovering themselves and what they want.  They have to learn confidence in themselves and being comfortable in their own skin.  It has only been the last year and a half that I have felt truly comfortable in my own skin.  I can't imagine trying to do that at their age when at that age I was struggling so much.  That's pretty tough.

Maybe I just like the drama of the show haha.  But it all got me to thinking.  I am so happy with who I am now and I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had because it thought me so much.  If there was one thing I would change it would be the college I went to and not asking for help sooner.  But we can't undo those things.  You embrace them and make them a brick you can build a happy life around.

I'm going to be an AUNTIE!

Finally!  I get to announce that my lovely sister and brother in law are finally pregnant!  They've been trying forever and I am so happy that this is finally happening for them.  They're going to be wonderfully geeky parents.  And I am so excited to be an aunt!  I am going to be a kick ass aunt.  I want to be the cool aunt that always has gum in my purse or candy or does fun things.  I want to be the one that her kids run away from home.  I can't wait!

I have so many things I want to get for the baby!

Man my Pinterest account is going to go crazy now!

The loss of another

Another death is touching me today.  She wasn't a celebrity to anyone outside of the dog world but to us, she was a profound and talented trainer that did so much.  Dr. Sophia Yin was first a veterinarian.  when she entered the field and saw how clueless the veterinarian community was to training and behavior, she went back to school to become a behaviorist.  Her contribution to the positive reinforcement and dog training world has been huge.  Her low stress handling techniques are incredible and something that everyone in the pet industry should learn.  I was lucky enough to hear her speak several years ago and even got up to do a demo with her.  I was in awe of her knowledge and skill but she came across as a very loving and approachable person who cared and just wanted everyone to learn and do right by their animals.

Dr. Sophia Yin passed away on September 29th, leaving the dog training world and, I'm sure, all who knew her reeling.  I was devastated to hear this but even more devastated to learn that she committed suicide.  So soon after Robin Williams did the same thing, it is hard to believe that someone so talented and such an inspiration to so many of us would do such a thing.  Didn't she have so much to live for?  What about her dogs?  When I was struggling with depression, my dogs were the number one thing keeping me fighting and I find it very hard to cope with someone who did so much for the dogs around her leaving her own.  It really hit close to my heart.

Every time I hear of this happening I hope that people take the loss and apply it to their lives.  So many people around us, even talented and inspirational people that we look up to, struggle with mental illness and private dark battles.  Many people, like I was, are very good at hiding it.  They may be in the darkest place personally and still smile and act normally.  It is the fear of being judged and thought weak that keeps those of us who need the most help from voicing the fact that we are in a dark place.

Please, be the voice of strength, courage and most of all, understanding and acceptance.  Reach out to those around you and help them.  I am so lucky that my sister was a strong voice in my life and I never felt like she judged me for struggling.  Mental illness is real and it affects more people than you know.  Make sure the people in your life know that you are there for them.

And most of all, if you are someone struggling, please reach out.  Ask for help.  People love you.  People care.  You are never alone.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Welcome to October!

October is one of my favorite months.  It is crisp with fall, the leaves are well into their beautiful change, and we're gearing up for Halloween!

Lots of exciting things happening this October!  For me, I really hope October is the month of change.  There has been something in the works for a while that I haven't widely broadcasted because I needed to wait to give notice but now it is finally happening.  I am finally doing something that I've wanted to do for so long but I haven't had the courage to do it.

I am leaving Lucky Dog and going into business for myself!  It is about time I got out of a situation that has been so detrimental to my mental health and happiness.  I was just so afraid to do it.  I felt that if I wanted to train dogs I had to stay with Lucky Dog.  Maybe just fear of the unknown but it kept me in a situation that I don't have to suffer through anymore.

I have to finish my classes out there but after that, I'm done.  Amazing.

While I'm doing that I figured I'd just go ahead and change my body too.  I'm going to get my tattoo and I'm going to work out.  No really I am.  Okay so I know I say that and then it fades out because I'm rather lazy and like to be stationary, especially early in the morning.  But the girls at work and I are all on board.  Each of us is working out and eating better.  It's hard to eat well at work because there is so much fast food and crap around and it's so easy to go get for a fast lunch.  No more.  None of us are eating fast food.  In fact, all through October none of us are eating out at all.  I want to exercise more, eat right and lose some weight.  I don't really need to lose weight but I want to be healthy and fit.  I don't have to be an exercise nut, because let's face it, that won't happen.  But being healthy and fit would be wonderful.  Hiking 14ers next summer would be incredible.  So October is the month to begin.  I've already cut out soda, which was really hard.  Damn Mountain Dew Code Red for being so yummy and addictive.  But no more.  I haven't had a soda in over a month.  That's been hard but so worth it.  I still crave it but I've been strong.

So here's to October being an incredible month for me!  Yay Fall!

Fall in Colorado!

Ready or not... Fall in Colorado!

If I didn't love snow so much, Fall would be my favorite season by far!  It is so beautiful that I feel bad for people that don't get to experience it in Colorado with the mountains and the aspen trees.

I kept my tradition this year of going up to Cripple Creek to see the leaves change.  It was beautiful and so good to get out of the city for a while.  But... a picture is worth a thousand words...

Zip!

In the effort to continue to do new things, Jake and I went zip lining today in Manitou.  I absolutely love zip lining which shouldn't be a surprise to any of you.  There's nothing more fun than jumping off of things and getting a rush.  Any rush really.

Anyway, I didn't know how good it was going to be but it turned out to be a lot of fun.  We got to do about 5 lines and they were pretty decent.  The first one they showed us was the only one you could kind of fall backwards on.  Of course I wanted to do that and I wanted to go first!  Show up everyone!  And of course I walked down to the edge, turned around, held my arms out and jumped backwards.  Other ones I pushed off, ran off, flipped off... pretty much anything I could do I did.  Flying around on a line upside down over a ravine is my kind of fun.  Oh and I think Jake had fun too which is good.

Broke down and bought pictures of it of course...