Feeling Lost

So we moved to North Carolina and changed the whole life I worked so hard to build in Colorado, so worth it for my wonderful husband whom I'd do anything for.  Still, it hasn't been easy for me here.  North Carolina isn't so bad but I hate Fayetteville.  It just doesn't seem like a place where I fit in.  It has been hard for me these past couple of weeks.

When we first got here, I immediately went out and got a job at a vet's office.  It wasn't exactly the job I was looking for though.  First of all, so so so unorganized and what was organized was completely old school.  Not an office that had growth in it because the vet was as old as dirt and controlling as hell so when she either kicked the bucket or retired there would be nothing left of the practice.  Second, so so so dead.  No clients.  So boring.  Third, what clients that did come in were completely mistreated.  If I brought my dog or cat in and saw them treated that way I would be out of there so fast.  No need to restrain, hurt, panic, or stress animals that come to you for help and health.  The vet also shamed owners.  I have never heard such a catty environment totally trashing anyone that disagreed with them.  I would be completely the client they didn't want there because I don't allow my animals to be manhandled, I ask questions and have my own opinions, believe in training to change behavior and feed a biologically appropriate food.  They would have hated me.  And I hated them.  I tried to make a go of it but I couldn't get past the way they treated animals.  Very old school.  When one of the assistants kicked a dog in front of me that was pretty much it and I walked out.  Never to return.  Good residence.

Now I am in a rut because this is not at all the environment I am used to in relation to animals, dogs or dog training.  There is a lot of old school closed mindedness here and that's hard to crack through.  Especially when I am rather unhappy being here anyway and don't really feel like fighting the good fight.  So now I am disillusioned and not sure what I want to do.

I am bored and depressed and that is a long slide down that I don't want to have to climb back up.  So I really need to get in gear and find a job.  To find a job I have a lot of things to think about.  What do I actually want to do?  Dog training yes but I don't know if this is the place for it and is that a career I can do forever or is that more something I do on the side while working a career that can pay the bills?  I had it so good in Colorado with House of Dog Training.  I had no idea how blessed I was there and it is like a swift kick in the pants to have lost that.  Very discouraging.

I am kicking around the idea of going back to school.  Then, again, what do I want to do?  Do I want to get a business degree?  Do I want to be a vet tech?  Do I want to be a police officer?  What about something else completely different that goes along with one of my interests?  What do I want to do?  Ug.  I had this all figured out.  I didn't want to have to go through this again.

Huge kick in the pants of my forward momentum.

What do I want to do with my life?

Life Changes

I have left my beloved Colorado for the new and different North Carolina.  Jake is stationed here and needless to say I wasn't overly pleased about it in the beginning.  We left Colorado, by far the best state, on July 18th and made it here on the 21st.  That was a long three day drive behind Jake in the UHaul with truck and motorcycle in tow.  Not nearly the fun road trip I envisioned but when you have all of your belongings in a truck and animals in the car you can't really stop and smell the roses if you know what I mean.  We just pushed on through.

Luckily we were smart in that we closed on our house the day we got here.  Not so lucky in that in North Carolina you don't get your keys right away, which is the stupidest thing in the world if you ask me.  We were not pleased.  But it all ended well.  We have a house that is perfect for us.  Good kitchen, good yard, three bedrooms.  Unpacking and getting everything just so was my mission.  A mission that I completed as soon as I could.  Completely done.  Well, mostly done.  The garage is the one we have to tackle next.  So help me I will get rid of all the boxes.  They bother me.  No more boxes for three years when we have to pack up and do this whole thing again.

Did have a job.  Hated the job.  Quit the job.  Need to find a new job.  *sigh*  That front sucks.

Jake needs knee surgery.  Hopefully they invent cyborg parts before he fully falls apart.  I love him so and would like to keep him for as long as I can.  He got the go ahead to get that done as soon as possible so we're waiting for the doctor to call back so we can get the surgery scheduled.

North Carolina isn't really so bad.  Up in the mountains... "mountains" was very nice.  We spent our anniversary up there enjoying the cooler weather without humidity.  If there is one thing I would completely get rid of it would be humidity.  It's torture.  Humidity and mosquitoes.  Wipe those off the map please.  My first act when I become a God.  The beach was fun and I really really need to go back there.  So basically, I like North Carolina except for Fayetteville.  Fayetteville is the Pueblo of North Carolina, which is a reference that people from Colorado will get.  Basically it sucks here.  Not a great town.  But if we get out of town, it's not so bad.

We got dirt bikes.  I finally get to learn how to ride and hopefully I won't kill myself in the process.  Or give Jake a heart attack.  We got brave and took the bikes to the mountains and attempted to ride.  Maybe bit a little more off than I could chew seeing as it was my third time on the bike.  I can't wait to get good enough to fly up the mountain.  It will be fun to ride with my hubby and get his friends out with us.  I look forward to it.

I've been having some fun doing prompts with Kathleen.  It feels great to open up that door again and write.  I've been stifling that side of me and it needs to get out more.  Creativity is a good thing.

Speaking of creativity, I'm having fun with clay too.  I make the gosh darndest cutest things.  I am on a Pokemon kick to sell to the other kiddies downtown eventually.

Well, love to all!

Tragety

It is a sad state of this world that the last post I did was after terrorists attacked Brussels.  We were all horrified.  We all looked for the helpers, comforted ourselves, and picked up the pieces.  The world continues to spin and we feel better.  The evil in the world continues to plot against the innocents who do our best to live our day to day lives as best we can.  And then they strike again.  We are all horrified.  We look for the helpers, comfort ourselves and pick up the pieces again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  And again....  

When will we get sick of this vicious cycle?  When will we forget about persecuting each other, hating each other over petty differences and getting all up in arms over evil before we forget about everything and go back to "normal lives"?  I'm sick of seeing evil acts.  They show us the evil of humanity at the same time as the beauty of reaching out to each other in moments of great need.  Will we ever be able to remember the great strength of humanity and simply loving each other without the need to destroy each other at the same time?  My thought is no.  Humans, in general, are destructive.  We don't know how to live and let live.  We don't know how to be happy without unifying ourselves against others with hatred over the smallest differences we can come up with.  Sometimes it is because we hate parts of ourselves.  Sometimes it is because we have defined our lives, our selves and our culture through the hatred of others.  When will we learn that hatred only breeds destruction and, eventually, that destruction is going to happen to us and it will be our own doing.  What we breed, we sow.  Hatred brings hatred and if we can't reign that in, eventually it will impact us personally.  Eventually we are going to have to let go of the hatred we have for others and come to peace that what we hate in others may be a reflection of ourselves.  If we want to destroy what we hate, we must destroy ourselves or learn to heal.

I wish there was a better answer to the hatred in the world.  Some people are so blind.

We are fickle people.  Our attention span is so small and we can not stick with a subject long enough to actually solve a problem instead of just screaming about it for a while.  A couple of weeks ago, the country was upset about transgender people being able to use one bathroom stall over another.  We screamed.  We hollered.  We called each other names and got pissed off.  Now a shooting happens at a gay night club and everyone is sending support and love to the victims... who are gay.  Suddenly, it doesn't seem to matter that they're gay or straight because they are people.  We remember that people suffer and it is needless.  We remember that we should support and love people because suffering is universal and we all feel it.  I hope we remember that lesson.  We need to keep a hold of the feeling that we must support and care about people instead of letting petty differences breed hatred.  Of course, the next gay controversy will hit and some of us will forget that we are all people and will be back to screaming about how much we hate each other.  Why can't we learn from suffering and loss?!  At the same time, we can't use this tragedy as a reason to hate other people.  The shooter was Muslim.  That should not even be a consideration.  He was a man who was consumed by violence and hatred.  That is what made him dangerous.  Not his religious belief.  Of course, since we are stupid and fickle people who can't seem to keep hatred too far from our mind, many of us will use this to drive our own hatred of a people further.  Will we never learn?  And why are we glued to the media that makes their bread and butter off of driving hysteria and making us hate each other?
The media drives us to be upset.  They want us to be upset and glue ourselves to their channels.  If they can keep us in the emotional turmoil as long as they can they make more profit.  But what do we gain from this?  We allow our emotions to be churned up until we're tired and loose interest... until the next time we let the media play us like a fiddle.  We should be upset.  We should want to know what happened and what we can learn from this to make sure it does not happen again.  We should not let business, and yes, the media outlets are businesses first and foremost, drive us and tell us what we should be upset by and how we should deal with it.  We should get away from our screens when something like this happens and immerse ourselves in humanity.  We should learn to touch each other, comfort each other and prop ourselves up together instead of soaking in the hysteria of the media light.  Personally reaching out to someone in need is the best way to grieve and find a way to bring kindness and love back to the forefront of the world after such an act of evil.  Turn the media off and go do a random act of kindness.
Another thing about the media.  We should not remember the shooter.  History should not remember his name.  We should not think about him and why he did this beyond trying to prevent it from happening again.  We learn from it then toss him into the blackness of animosity.  Shooting and killing innocent people is not the way to get your name or your cause into the forefront of society and culture.  If you shoot people, your name should be lost forever.  I don't want to know his name, who he was or how he lived his life.  We should know more about the victims then we ever should about the shooter.  They are the ones that are important.  Their lives were cut short by no fault of their own.  They were loved and lost by their loved ones.  They are the ones we should embrace.  Let the shooter's memory die.  Embrace only his family because they have suffered a loss as well.  But him, he should be gone forever.
We deal with these horrific events by focusing on the things we don't agree with and shoving to get those fixed in a way we can live with.  A shooting happens.  We are all horrified.  Some shout that if we could just take guns away or get better gun control, the problem would be solved.  They unite against this cause of guns and scream that the gun activists are to blame for the violence in our culture.  People get so upset over guns because they are upset over the tragedy.  Emotions run high.  We want to fix it.  The only way our culture seems to think we can fix things is to blame someone and shame them into going away.  In this case, we blame anyone who supports the right to own guns.  We went to punish them.  We want to take the guns away.  We yell and scream and blame... and breed the same hatred we wish would go away.
Here's my high horse.  If you take away guns, the problems is still there.  Weapons will always be available to those who want them bad enough.  Making drugs illegal has not cured addiction.  Making guns illegal will not cure violence and hatred.  It will just make it harder for those of us who value the right to carry a gun to protect ourselves and those around us from the evil people who will find a way to get a gun no matter what.  If I have a gun and am in an active shooting situation, I will put myself between those who are defenseless and the person looking to do us harm.  It is my right to carry a gun.  I will not ask you to do it.  I will not ask you to stand between me and a gunman, but I will stand between you because I choose to carry one.  I have heard "Well the security guard had a gun and the shooter still killed 50 people."  Yes, and I bet if that security guard had not had a gun, the gunman would have spent more time shooting innocent people aimlessly instead of exchanging shots with the security guard.  You may claim it was nothing but I am willing to believe that the security guard saved lives.  That shooter killed himself when confronted with the police because they were coming to confront him with the stopping power of the guns.  What would have happened if more people in that nightclub had guns?  What if it was as little as 10%?  If there were 300 people in the club, that's 30 guns to his one.  Would he have done what he did?  He was a coward and killed himself when he knew he would be confronted with force back.  Would he have stormed that club if he knew 30 people would be defending their lives and shooting back?  Would anyone looking to kill innocent people enter such a place knowing that those people would stand up and do their best to kill him first?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But I for one will feel better knowing I may be able to draw my own gun and defend myself.
Taking away someone's choice to protect themselves is not a way to end the violence.  We must look at the cause of the violence.  We must look at healing hatred and spreading understanding.  Maybe there will be a day when guns are not needed in society.  I hope that day comes.  But it is not today.  Without guns in the hands of those who will use them for good, we are sitting ducks for the people who will get them at any cost to kill anyone they hate.  Guns are a tool.  It is the person who chooses how to use it.  We need to help people choose understanding and love.


The shooting in Orlando has wounded us.  I feel the loss in my soul, as we all should.  We should feel the loss and absorb the grief and lean on one another until we find our footing again.  Life will go on but we should not let this loss fade into the monotony.  We should take this and build something from it.  Not hatred.  Not blame.  Not inaction.  We should take this and learn and grow.
Most importantly, we must learn to love and shine that light brighter than any hate.  And so, I send thoughts and love to the victims and the families of the shooting.  I can not imagine the earth shattering grief.  Please reach out.  Reach out.  We are here.  We are here and we desperately wish we could help in any way.  Reach out and we will catch you.
And now, remember the victims (the people who died, their families, the people who were injured and the people who were traumatized).  They were all someone.  They were all loved by someone.  In each of them, we lost a world of possibility.  We grieve.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old

Amanda Alvear, 25 years old

Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old

Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old

Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old

Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old

Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old

Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old

Cory James Connell, 21 years old

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old

Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old

Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old

Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old

Frank Hernandez, 27 years old

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old

Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old

Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old

Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old

Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old

Kimberly Morris, 37 years old

Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old

Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old

Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old

Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old

Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old

Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old

Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old

Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old

Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old

Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

The world is weeping

It is sad what kind of world we live in.  What kind of world and society can we build for future generations when we feed anger and hate to the point where hateful individuals kill innocent civilians, people they've never met and could never know.  How much good and happiness are we missing because we don't take the time to understand one another but instead lash out with hatred and death?  Traveling has been such a joy in my life to see the differences all around the world.  It saddens me that someone would see that under the cloud of extremist hatred.

My thoughts are with the people of Brussels today.  Just as they were with the people of Paris.  And Turkey.  And Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Syria, Nigeria, Pakistan, Thailand, Libya, Somalia, Israel, Tunisia, Yemen, Northern Ireland, The West Bank... everywhere anyone has ever been victimized in the name of a movement or religion.  The world is weeping.

Now, more than ever, we need to be reminded that, along with the ability for evil, people have the great ability to be good.  I always remind myself of the quote from Mr. Rogers.  In great wisdom, he said "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me 'Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.'"

Find the Hero

Take a moment and do something good for another life.  We all have to do our part to cancel out the hatred.

Hearts!

Happy Valentine's Day!  Caution, gushing ahead!

I think my man like's to out do me.  We say small gifts, he goes big and thoughtful.  Can't complain though.  I love him all the more for it.

We celebrated Valentine's Day on Friday night.  I happened to have Friday off so we went to a movie during the day.  I have to say, Deadpool may not be a romantic movie but it was good.  Violent but enjoyable.  I like that it wasn't your average superhero movie.  Not that there is anything wrong with those but sometimes you just need the smart ass comments to make life more entertaining.

After the movie we had a nice dinner out at a chophouse around town.  We both got a little dressed up, which is fun to do from time to time.  Then my hubby surprised me with a night at a cute little bed and breakfast down in Old Colorado City that I had no idea was there.  Sweet little room with champagne, a hot tub and chocolate covered fruit.  I wouldn't say my hubby is a romantic guy all the time but when he needs to he can really treat me to a night of much needed romance.

So yes, he once again out did me.  I got him personalized M&Ms (because I've always wanted to do that), a new bottle of the bbq sauce we discovered when we were in New Orleans, and new sweatpants (purely selfish on my part because I hated his old ratty ones).  Someday, I'm going to win in the gift category.  Someday.

I'm more and more in love with this man every time I see him.  Muah!

Finally an Auntie! (Post from the past)

Promised I would catch up on past posts.  So here's one I started back in June about my nephew and godson!



Leon is finally here.  After a hard labor, my nephew finally came on June 2, 2015.

My poor sister had 36 hours of labor over several days.  Labor would start then stop and start and stop.  When it finally came down to it, she got an epidural that made the lower half of her body go numb to where she couldn't even move.  Every time they did move her, Leon's heart rate would plummet.  She would push and throw up and his heart rate would have to recover.  He just didn't want to leave his momma but eventually he didn't have the choice and they did a c section.

I was at work at the time and immediately left to rush to the hospital.  We waited but finally Leon was here!  He had to go to the NICU for several days so Jak could only take a few of us at a time to visit but it was so worth it.  What a precious baby!  I might be biased but I thought he was perfect and I couldn't help but tickle his toes.

His lungs weren't as good as they could have been so he was on oxygen for the first month or so.  Then he has had issues putting on weight and growing along with some digestive issues.  He certainly has been keeping his mom and dad on their toes but I think he's finally getting so much better.

It has been so much fun watching him grow and develop a personality.  Sometimes he loves me, sometimes he doesn't.  Sometimes he just wants his momma.  Certainly a momma's boy.  Sometimes he makes me really want a baby and sometimes I'm so glad I can give him back.  I can't wait to see him grow up!

I could post hundreds of pictures of him all day but here are a few.  Probably the cutest baby ever.

He takes after his aunt!

Crawling boy!

High Horse

In the news, the Broncos won the Superbowl.  Can't say I really watch football but it was a good game and I'm glad Colorado won it, especially after the debacle of the last one two years ago.  Plus, Colorado is basically the best state out there so... no reason not to crush everyone else.

Something else I'm seeing is how "gay" the halftime show was.  ...Really?  Are we really concerned about that in this day and age?  It always shocks me how inclined people are to hate, disrespect and devalue other people based on aspects of that person that has nothing to do with them.  If the half time show was "gay" does it really matter?  You're watching a sport where grown men jump on each other, dance in victory and smack each other on the asses.  If that doesn't make it "gay" then why should rainbow colors make the half time show gay?  Can't you just relax and enjoy it?  And even if you don't enjoy it, then let it go and enjoy the game.  There is no need to get on social media and spew hatred and intolerance into the world.  Apparently there is enough of that already without people  going out of their way to be ignorant and hateful.  Shut up, eat your dip and leave everyone else alone.

Something else I've been meaning to mention is the whole "Oscars are too white" thing.  That irritates me beyond belief.  Racism does exist and it always will exist as long as we point out and highlight the differences between people.  Here's something that may not make me popular.  Just as a white person is not entitled to more than a person of a different race, someone of color is not entitled to more than someone white just because of the pigment of their skin.  If you don't want people to be racist, stop asking for favoritism based on skin color, no matter the skin color.  Yes, it is possible for people of other races besides Caucasian to be racist.

So yes, the Oscars may be pretty white this year.  Everyone who wasn't nominated, no matter their race, should strive to do better next year.  You shouldn't be nominated because you are a person of color that did a nice job.  You should strive to be nominated because you did an excellent job at something.  I also don't think every kid in the race should get a metal.  You get a metal when you win.  If you didn't win, try harder, improve.  That's how you learn and improve in life.  If you don't have to strive to be better because you'll just get something handed to you anyway, why worry about being the best you can be?  You can worry more about how you can alienate and disrespect that person over there when you don't have to worry about your own caliber.

Anyway, that's me on my high horse for now.  Stop complaining about other people and worry about yourself and being the best person and living the best life you can.

Morgan Freeman on Racism

Another Video

HGTV

What has this done to me?  In the past year I discovered my love for HGTV.  At first I refused to love anything but House Hunters but slowly I've ventured out timidly.  I knew already from buying my own house, that I love the old houses.  I know from my house that I don't want to renovate a house ever but it would be swell if someone else could renovate for me.  So that brings me to my newest love, Fixer Upper.

Fixer Upper

It is this show about a couple in Texas that renovate old homes for clients.  They're the cutest couple ever, besides my husband and I that is.  They kind of remind me of us because they're silly haha.  Anyway, they buy ugly old houses and completely renovate them then the wife stages the house BEAUTIFULLY!  Her style is so pretty.  I always want to decorate like that; I can see it in my head but I can never quite seem to get there in reality.  So her decorating is like eye candy.  So in love with it.  I really need to start writing down the things that I love so I can decorate our new house.

Good and bad news, she sells some of her stuff.  Magnolia Market  How cool is this stuff?  Someday I'm going to be able to decorate with some of this and have it look marvelous!  I love this little gem.  I am always losing socks when I do laundry so that would be so nice to have.

Someday I'm going to figure out this whole organizing and decorating a house thing.

Until then, I'll binge watch these shows and live vicariously through other people.

Surprise!

Hello dear blog!  I missed you!

I feel like I lost my brain for a lot of last year.  It went by so fast.  It felt like Jake and I got engaged at the beginning of the year then, bam!  We were getting married and went on the honeymoon and then the year was over.  That was pretty much 2015 for me.  I will go back and do some posts like the holidays and the wedding, just give me time.

For now, things are coming along.  Life has never been better for me than it is right now.  I've never been this happy.  Things are changing but change is so necessary for life, I can't even tell you.  If you're not changing then you can't really be happy because the world isn't stagnate.  There are exciting things coming that I am nervous about but also very excited.  I never would have guessed this would be my life if you asked me a couple of years ago but I am so glad it is.  So I can only look forward with hope and excitement.

This post will be less about the past than what is happening right now.  Right now is on my mind.

So:

Whitman is costing me a fortune with his foot.  About a month or so ago, I noticed his nail was bleeding and bent a bit to the side after he went running about the yard after some little critter or another.  The nail seemed solid on his foot so I didn't think too much of it except he kept limping off and on and licking his foot.  So I finally broke down and took him to work to get that looked at.  The doctor suspected that his toe was broken but there wasn't much to do with it except put him on pain killers and antibiotics and wait for it to heal.

Of course, right when Jake and I were leaving town for New Years, Whitman ripped it more and bled all over the car on the way to my sister's house.  Big thanks to my sister for taking Whitman to the vet for me.  The doctor decided to pull the nail off at that time and when he did a piece of bone came out with it.  So yes he broke his toe and it was pretty much cut the digit off or hope that the toenail didn't regrow in a painful way.  Just call him Whitman the Toeless Wonder!

That itself wasn't so bad but he's refused to keep his bandage on.  He ate it off once then pulled the stitches out a second time, requiring him to go back under and get the damn foot stapled.  He's a terror with the cone and looks so pathetic but it is finally healing up.  If he pulls anything out again I might just kill him.  I just want him to heal and feel better so we can start running together.

Work has been going great.  I absolutely love working at a vet's office; somehow, I always knew I would.  I have also answered the question of do I want to be a vet tech and the answer is no.  Don't really want to do that at all.  Good to know though.  I would love to keep working in vet's offices and possibly go back for a degree in management or something to further that career path.

Business is booming at House of Dog too and that's been incredible.  Going to look into putting more time into that here coming up soon.  It is great to have a passion that works for you.  Love it.

I was sitting at home going through things this morning and one thing I used to do that I miss is called Postcrossing.  It is a site that you can sign up for that allows you to send and receive postcards from around the world.  I've been collecting postcards for years and I loved getting them from all different places and countries.  Did it for years and then just kind of peetered off.  So I reactivated my account and sent some out this morning,  Strangely, I sent like 9 to Russia.  Come on, it's a huge world out there!  Why so many to Russia?  Then I ran out of cards so I ordered a few more.  We'll see how it goes from here but I can't wait to get some from the great wide world.

My phone headphone jack stopped working.  If you know me, you know I don't like the quiet.  I like to have my headphones going with something on, even if I'm not actively listening to it because I just can not stand the quiet.  Sadly, my husband does like the quiet so I wear my headphones a lot of the time all over the place.  It's hard not to have that work.  Course, it might actually be a good thing because I might be able to break myself of this obsession with having something playing at all times.  I need to distance myself from my phone anyway.  That's what Jake says even if he is on his phone just as much as I am.  (Honey, you know it is true.)  It is just hard to break habits.  I mean it took me about 10 years to stop biting my nails.  This could be hard.

Hmm... What else do I want to comment upon?  Eh at the moment that is all I had.  Love to you all out there in Blogsworld!

Musings

Things are coming together for the wedding.  I have an appointment for cake tasting on Thursday and picking invitations today.  I am going with the lavender theme since that was the first thing I picked out for my wedding.  Next is just the small touches that I am so interested in.  Excited about the whole thing now.  I always wanted a wedding but I wasn't always sure that I actually wanted to get married.  Well, I guess your outlook on life changes when you find that person that you can see sharing everything with.  I'm so excited about everything.  Can't wait to see what changes come in the next year and a half.

I don't know if I ever posted but I recently changed jobs.  Things kind of blue up at WNW but I am SO SO SO glad to be out of there.  Blessings happen in all different kind of ways.  I just don't do well when I feel people are taking advantage of me or treating me badly.  Fault and a strength.  I don't put up with it well so I am willing to sacrifice things to get away from it.  But now I have a job that I really love.  It makes such a difference to work with a different quality of people.  Professional people handle themselves differently and that is such a load off.  I hate petty, spineless people and I'm glad to be away from them.  And more than anything I am SO THANKFUL to be away from retail.  I don't like people enough to work in retail anymore.  It sucks.  It's a draining and horrible feeling when people walk all over you just because they can and you have to smile and be nice.  Hopefully never again.  I work at a vet's office now and I love it.  I thought about doing vet tech but I am glad now that I didn't do that.  I wouldn't want to spend all that money and time in school doing something it turns out I don't think I would like that much.  I love dogs but bleh.  I am happy to be up front doing more organizational stuff.  I always wanted to be a veterinarian as a child but that so is no for me.  Maybe with the move coming up in a year I will be able to focus on my loves, writing and animals.

I have a hard time sorting out my priorities.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a bit of a workaholic and in the past put everything I had in the world into it.  It has been a difficult transition away from that and thinking more about my social side of life and doing things outside of a work environment.  I struggle with feeling like I am letting people down and I still do.  But I am starting to understand that it is okay for me to have my limitations and it is not my responsibility to try to keep up with people who don't enforce the same limitations.  It does not mean that I am lazy or letting people down.  It simply means that I have to live my life in a way that I can maintain long term.  That is a hard learning curve for me.  I feel like I have been making so many changes in the last couple of years that not everyone understands.  I am just trying to find my way through life just like everyone else.  Maybe when Jake and I are facing the future together, the stress will ease on me.

Move forward in life.  That's all you can do.  If you're not happy, move forward and change it.  That's what I've been striving to do and that's what I will continue to do.  I don't understand how else to do it and I don't understand people who don't do it.

New Orleans and Cruise!

I finally got to scratch off a New Orleans trip off my bucket list!  That and Jake and I got to take a little pre-wedding craziness cruise.  It was a wonderful trip even if I kind of struggled throughout.  We flew out on Saturday afternoon and on Saturday morning I was feeling very sick.  I slept most of the drive to Denver and on the flight.  By the time we landed and got to the hotel I was actually feeling a little better so we were able to get out and walk to dinner.  We ended up walking to Bourbon street and there was a festival going on.  It was a lot of fun and busy.  I can not imagine the French Quarter during Marti Gras.  It must be mass chaos.  I used to want that on my bucket list but I don't think that it would be that fun for that long.  Still, seeing Bourbon Street up and running was an experience.  The music festival was going on all weekend so we spent Sunday walking around the French Quarter exploring and listening to music.  It was wonderful.  Of course though, I was getting over the cold and we ended up having alligator meat sausages.  I don't think they were cooked all the way through because I spent the evening with a very upset stomach.  Monday we had some hours to kill and my stomach was feeling better.  We were catching the boat that day so we walked down to the pier.  The hotel was expensive but it was a great find because it was within easy walking distance of the French Quarter but away from all the noise and craziness of Bourbon Street and within walking distance of the pier where we were catching our boat.  It was perfect.  So we walked down and waited in lines and lines and lines to get on the boat when I noticed my face was feeling weird.  It was burning a bit and turns out I was having some kind of allergic reaction and my face was breaking out in this really weird irritated skin.  It cleared up after a couple of days but it was just one thing after another because it was followed by a cough and stuffy nose.  I recovered though and had a wonderful time despite it.

Bourbon Street!

We took a five day cruise to Mexico and back.  We got on the boat on Monday, had a day at sea on Tuesday, Progresso on Wednesday, Cozumel on Thursday, day at sea on Friday and back in port on Saturday where we had a couple of hours before flying out.  I must say that it was fun but I couldn't do a cruise longer than that.  Jake and I aren't overly social or "organized fun" people so we did a lot of laying around and eating on the sea days.  There isn't much to do otherwise.  It was relaxing but after a while it is just like oh my God I can not eat anymore!

We were standing at the top front of the ship when it departed down the Mississippi River.

Our ship- Carnival Elation

Anyway, in Progresso we went and saw the Mayan Ruins at Uxmal and then had lunch at a little historic building where they gave us authentic Mexican food.  It was cool but HOT.  HOT HOT HOT.  I can't imagine doing something like that in the height of summer when it is melting hot.  We took the tour given by the cruise, which I am glad we did because we ended up being late back to the boat so they knew were coming and didn't depart.  I think the Mayans are cool but I just found myself wishing that it was more like something you would see in the US.  In the US there would be a whole museum to walk through to explain the culture and explain what you were seeing.  If you walk around the grounds, there is a lot to see and it was cool but there weren't any plaques or anything to explain what you were seeing.  And we found out that the cool stuff you are seeing is mostly refurbished.  None of the original stuff is taken care of, they restore it all and it doesn't look the same.  There is no explanation of how it is restored and how they know that it looked that way.  So it was very cool to see and walk around, I just wish that there was more.  A few plaques here and there would go a long way.

Cozumel was by far my favorite stop though.  We decided to do our own thing because Jake had been there earlier in the year for work.  We got off the boat and immediately caught a taxi south.  We just wanted to get away from the crowds and find something to do.  On the list was snorkeling, jet skiing, and possibly para-sailing.  We found this private beach down away from the crowds from the cruise ships.  When we arrived, we were about the only ones there.  Immediately, we decided to rent jet skis because there was only one other person out on the water.  It was so much fun.  I was giggling and laughing and then I got to drive and that was even more fun.  No, I didn't dump us or lose Jake.  I think I could do a lot more jet skiing in the future.  When we returned to land we had some pina coladas and enjoyed each other's company.  Next adventure we were thinking about doing para-sailing but it is SO expensive.  So we decided to go snorkeling.  I am a good swimmer so I had a great time floating and flippering around.  I love the ocean, which might be surprising because I'm a native of a land locked state.  While I was enjoying the fish with just my flippers and my snorkel, Jake was safely floundering along with his life vest and holding on to the lifesaver being towed by the little Mexican guy guiding us.  It was pretty funny I have to admit.  After we returned to land again, we took a taxi up to the other side of the island for some food and shopping.  Then back to the ship.

Feeding the fishies!

Ready to not drown!

International love!

Adventure seekers!

It has been a long time since I had a true vacation where I wasn't doing anything but relaxing.  It felt... weird but good haha.  And I know that I am looking forward to every second of my future with Jake.  If we can make it through being trapped on a boat together and not murder each other in international waters then we can make it through a marriage.  I can't wait.

Happy Birthday to ME!

My birthday was the 21st.  I turned 29 years old.  From now on, every birthday is going to be an anniversary of my 29th birthday.  Since so much is happening this year I didn't do much of a birthday celebration.  Jake and I just got back from our cruise so we didn't do much.  I told him that the only thing I wanted was a home made candlelight dinner.  So I got a home made dinner with tea lights.  That was so cute and so Jake.  I love that man more and more everyday.

Birthdays get me thinking about the years of my life.  It is funny how many occasions are used to look back on the past.  I have to admit 28 was so good to me.  I continued to build a relationship with a wonderful man and we became engaged.  I also left two bad jobs and starting building a future in two positive ones.

I am going to share a secret.  Every birthday I blew out my candles and made a wish.  I wished that someone would love me and I would never be lonely again.  I got that.  So this year I had no idea what to wish for.  I did make a wish but I won't tell you that.  I just hope it comes true too.

Happy Birthday to me!  Here's to 29 being a wonderful year!

Catch Up Wedding stuff

I should remember to write in this but I am just so gosh darn busy in life.  You know me, can't have a moment to myself.  And when I do, I like to unwind in other ways.  Need to get back into the habit.  I need to get back into the habit of a lot of things like exercise and eating right.  *Sigh*

So wedding planning is coming along.  I never thought that it was so much work to plan a wedding.  I mean, I knew it was in the abstract but actually doing it is a little harder.  Especially when you're not overly invested.  I want a nice wedding but I'm not high matenance enough to be that overly worked up about it.  We have most everything that we need like the photographer and catering.

Now that those are out of the way I am looking forward to doing the little things like figuring out my center pieces, music, gifts, and my Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something Blue.  Those are the things about the wedding that I am looking forward to, the little details.  For example, I want to do a guestbook that is a little different.  Here are some ideas:

A type writer where guests can write a little note.

A Poleriod camera so they can accompany their well wishes with a picture.

Wooden hearts that I can put together into a collage later.

Those would be so much cooler than a boring over traditional book.  I don't want the boring old traditional wedding so I love planning the little things that are different.

For my Something Old I think I am going to carry my great grandmother's handkerchief with my bouquet just like my sister did.  For Something New, I have no idea.  Maybe I'll just use my dress as my something new.  Something Borrowed will probably be earrings from either my mother or my sister.  Something blue I think would be nice to do a safety pin with something blue from each of my bridesmaids included on it.  I am not sure that any of them will do that but I think it would be cool.  Either that or a blue heart sewed into my dress.

I picked my color scheme.

I am going to use the teal color, the light green color, and the lavender color to match the flowers.  I also think that I am going to add in a charcoal color.  Either that or the cream.

I need to find a DJ still though.  I hope people at my wedding do get up and dance and have a good time so that is important to me.  The most important thing is the pictures for me.  I got a photographer that is good at the captured moments.  I think those little captured moments are cuter and more beautiful than the planned shots.  I'll do those because those are important to my mom but other than that I want more of the moments that are small and real captured.

Anyway, I have other things I need to update about so I'll end this one.

Going to the Chapel and I'm... gonna get MARRIED!

Big changes in my life happening!  First and foremost, I'm getting MARRIED!

EEEEE!

Shocked are we?  If you had asked me three years ago if I would be engaged to the man of my dreams I wouldn't have believed it.  I just never factored it in for me.  What they say is true, when you stop looking for love it will find you.  I'm so lucky to have found happiness and someone to share it with.

I knew he was going to ask me eventually but I didn't know when.  I figured it would be on our upcoming cruise or for my birthday.  If my birthday next month passed without him asking I would have asked him, and told him so.  So I knew that it was going to happen but I pretty much thought it would happen in April.  That's why I was so surprised when he asked me to marry him on Sunday, right in our kitchen.

Sunday he went to the track to ride his motorcycle.  I decided that I was going to make clam chowder from scratch that night.  It turned out amazing by the way.  Very yummy.  Anyway, he got home while I was cooking and we had a nice meal and then we cleaned up.  It was a nice normal night, one of my favorite kinds where we just hang out together at home quietly enjoying each other's company.  I am so in love with this man that just being with him makes me happy.

So after cleaning the kitchen I was standing at the table with my hot chocolate.  My mind was already into the next day thinking about what I had going on.  When Jake came up and hugged me from behind, it was very nice but I wasn't expecting what happened next.  He kissed me and asked me how much I loved him.  I held my hands out to show him how much I love him.  He took my hand, twirled me around and went down on one knee asking "Do you love me enough to be my wife?"

I was so surprised that I was a little behind.  I saw him down on one knee and I heard him but I wasn't quite sure what was happening.  I said "Are you serious?"  Then I saw he was holding a little box and I knew what was happening.  He told me I couldn't see the box until I gave him an answer and, of course, my answer was yes and I kissed and hugged him.  That was the happiest moment of my life.  I just couldn't believe that it was happening right then.  I kept asking him if he was serious.  I'm pretty sure he's serious now.

He stood up and put a GORGEOUS ring on my finger.  I was worried for him because when I got my ring finger sized I looked around at the rings they had and I didn't like very many of them.  Some of the engagement rings out there are so ugly.  So, although I knew he was looking at my Pinterest account, I was a little worried my tastes were too picky.  But nope.  He got me the most beautiful ring that I could have imagined.  I would have said yes if he'd put a cheesy plastic ring on my finger but he did very good and it makes me feel very special.

I am so in love and so happy that anything else happening in my life right now is chump change.  These are the things that are important.  Finding someone that you love so much and you want to commit to having a life with is so much more important than the little things that no one will remember in 10 years.  I can't wait to see where my life goes with Jake.  We're going to have quite and adventure together and I know, I'm going to be happy.

Happy Valentine's Day!

It is no secret that I have hated the day of Valentine for years.  It was cursed for many years, peaking the year that I found out my college boyfriend was cheating on me with my best friend.  Not the most happy memory to associate with hearts and roses.  Timehop reminded me of my thoughts on Valentine's Day two years ago:

Valentine's Day 2013

I think the Valentine's Day curse is broken and not only because I have a valentine that isn't four legged.  Even though I'm in love I still am not fully on board with the whole Valentine's Day thing.  I don't think that we should have to buy things for each other and do extravagant gestures to show we're in love one day a year.  The single people of the world shouldn't have to panic every February 14th because they are deficient.  You can be just as happy single as paired up and it shouldn't have to express your love one day a year by spending money.

That being said, it is hard to avoid.  I do love chocolate... especially those damn chocolate dipped strawberries.  Course I don't need a man to get those for me.  I do have a man though so we did celebrate.  Last year we didn't do anything because I was out of town.  This year, we celebrated early and went out to dinner last night.  Dinner was followed by a serious relationship talk to calm my crazy.  I am a lucky girl to have found such a love.

Jake is also the first guy to be better at the whole gift thing than me.

Pretty pretty pretty!

So Happy Valentine's Day one and all.  I hope you all have a wonderful day whatever you are doing.

Oh and most importantly, remember that tomorrow is Half Priced Chocolate Day!  By far better than Valentine's Day!

Warning! Up on my soapbox!

Soapbox time.

It probably isn't a surprise to any of you that know me well or read my blog that I have tattoos.  All small, all easily hidden, and all very meaningful to me.  Now, it probably isn't a shock to many of you that not everyone supports tattoos, which is fine for them.  What bugs the mother living crap out of me is when you dictate that your believes are correct for me and my life as well.  Bullshit.  Let me tell you a few things about tattoos.

First of all, times are a changing.  I have most of my friends or acquaintances have tattoos.  It isn't something that only skinheads do anymore.  It is becoming mainstream and those of you who hate that just have to get over it.  No one is asking you to tattoo yourself so stop freaking out.  That's a personal choice for everyone but just know that many more people than you think have tattoos.

So here's a little about me:

• I did reasonably well in school.  I didn't party excessively or get into trouble.
• I have a college degree.  I have also paid off all of my student loans in five years.
• I have courage and integrity as a person.
• I contribute positively to society and follow the law.
• I responsibly pay my bills and my taxes on time.
• I am an educated voter.
• I work two jobs tirelessly.
• I own my own business.
• I volunteer in my community.
• I am a kind decent person that helps my fellow man.

I also have five tattoos.  Does that fact change my worth?  Does it make any of the above statements less true or less valuable?  No.  I am the same person whether or not I have ink on my skin.

Whose business is it anyway what my body looks like?  Does anyone get to tell me what my body should or should not be used for it does not impact their life directly?  Why is okay to come to a snap judgement about me because of my ink but we would all reasonably deny that this is acceptable when taking someone's skin tone into consideration.  Someone else's skin color does not matter and has no impact on me.  Therefore, my tattoos should not matter or impact others.  Snap judgements made on superficial aspects of another person are the responsibility of the judger, not the judged.  They also have power over the judger, not the judged.

You may say that people with different skin tones do not get to choose that where I chose my tattoos. Really, that shouldn't matter very much.  I will concede that perhaps my arguments are not valid for someone who chooses to tattoo something overly offensive in an open area of their body purely for shock value.  However, does the fact that I have small, meaningful tattoos change who I am?  If I am in a job interview and am covering my tattoos or if the interviewer can not see me and I am well qualified for the job, would my covered tattoos change that?  No.  Who I am at my core, my values, my knowledge and my abilities do not change with or without tattoos.

Many professionals choose to have tattoos.  Does that change what they are capable of?  No.  And it isn't really your business anyway.  It is more your problem than theirs.

Same person.  Same abilities.

Tattoo shaming comes from a place of judgement, closed mindedness and insecurity.  It comes from the same older generation that defended a man's right to be superior to women or one race's superiority over another.  It is ignorant.  If my expression of myself offends you so much that you can't see past it then remove yourself from me.  It isn't that great of a loss for me to remove ignorance from my life.  The loss is yours.  If they make you uncomfortable and you would like to confront me about them, do so from a defensible stance, not one of "shaming what is different" or from fear of things different from yourself.  I am more than happy to explain the importance of each tattoo to me and why I chose to get it.  If I still offend you, then there is a better place for you to be.  Away from me.  However, I believe that if someone was to learn a little about me before judging me we will come to some kind of understanding.

So really, the choice is yours.  If you want to express an opinion, I will defend your right to express it in a respectful manner.  That doesn't mean I will agree with you or that we will reach any type of agreement.  We may decide to agree to disagree.  If that is going to get in the way of a meaningful relationship then that's your problem.  I am who I am.  I think, overall, I am a good person whether or not you like the fact that I have tattoos.  Your opinion about my life doesn't make a huge impact on me.  Let's keep in mind that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  You take your path and I'll take mine.  If our paths cross just know I will not be so disrespectful as to ignorantly judge you on something superficial.

So why the rant?  Why am I up on my soapbox chanting away at you?

Well, I have tattoos and recently got more.  I have members of my family and people that are close to me that will not be happy with this decision.  Recently, someone I love very much, respect fully and am grateful to for doing something incredibly generous for me called me.  That act of generosity was held over my head as a reason that she could pass unfair judgement on me.  This person is not involved in day to day life and I am left to believe that she thinks very little of me.  Perhaps if she got to know me better she would know that lording over me will do no good.  Perhaps she would also see that I am a good wholesome person and the fact that I have tattoos does not change that.  Perhaps not.  She may be too stuck in her own ways.  That's fine.  Just keep that kind of judgmental attitude away from me.  I can only take the high road for so long.

So feel free to ask about my tattoos.  Feel free to tell me you disagree and wish I hadn't gotten them.  Then feel free to leave it at that because I didn't get them for you; I got them for me.

Winter Happiness

It's a lovely wintry day here in Colorado.  It's been a bit ping pong weather lately but that's Colorado for you.  We got about 4 or 5 inches of snow.  I'm snuggled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, a cat on my lap and two dogs snuggled up next to me.  I couldn't be happier.

In general, I couldn't be happier.  Life is so good right now.  A year ago yesterday I told Jake I loved him and that's even more true today.  We got to sleep in this morning and snuggle.  We're goofy and weird together, which I love because I don't have to hide my quirks. I've also never felt safer and more taken care of than I do with him.  I love the life we have together and I can't wait to get to do more and more things with Samuel.

Although I'm not super thrilled with work at the moment but it is what it is.  I'm getting used to that.  You have a give and take with a job like this.  I am looking forward to being able to quit and go full time with House of Dog Training.  I am so happy to have gotten away from LD.  I knew I was unhappy there but I didn't know just how much of a strangle hold it had on me until I was out of there.  There are still some lingering attachments there that I think I would be happy without but hopefully as soon as House of Dog Training can take a more active roll in the rescue things will get better.  I can't wait to take a more active roll in the rescue.  I feel bad that I have been so removed from it but I have to keep my mental health in mind and I will not compromise with that.

Health is on going.  I do cheat a little eating but I've been doing pretty well.  I don't eat fast food anymore.  I haven't had a soda in over a month.  I am back to doing a protein smoothie a day where I get all my veggies and fruit.  I went for a three mile run the other day and took yesterday off.  I was going to go for another run today but it snowed so we'll go to the gym later when Jake gets home from work.

Overall, I love my life.  I knew that happiness was in the cards for me.  I'm so glad I kept that in mind and worked for it.

It shouldn't happen to anyone

I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post about this but it is something that I've been thinking about.  Since Kathleen has not been hiding what happened, I hope she won't mind me talking about it here.

You know Kathleen.  Kathleen and I have been friends for over a decade.  I knew her before high school, though I can't remember exactly when.  We met through a mutual friend, my neighbor Kaylee.  Kathleen was a military brat though and moved away before high school.  Still, somehow we kept in touch with a mutual love of reading, writing, fantasy and geekery.  We really bonded over a Harry Potter fandom and then took off writing our own Harry Potter spin off with characters that are as real to me as people I know and are still very near and dear to my heart.

About two years ago, Kathleen moved here from Ohio.  I am glad that she got to come to Colorado but it happened in a very weird time of my life.  I was finally admitting to myself that, although I had come so far in my mental health, I still was far from happy.  The hermit and cut off lifestyle I had been living was wearing on me and I was yearning for a change.  I flirted with leaving Colorado and moving somewhere but finally settled on the fact that I didn't have to leave to be happy; I just had to do some personal work and change my lifestyle.  With my lifestyle change, living with Kathleen was not what either of us thought it would be.  Suddenly, our lifestyles were so different.  I didn't want to be shut at home anymore and I was trying to be more social and build relationships.  I was also dabbling with dating.

As they say, sometimes living with your friends doesn't work out.  I wasn't able to be the support system that I think she needed and she wasn't in the place in her life to fit in with the changes I was making to my life.  Too many changes too fast and we struggled to keep our friendship together.  It was hard and eventually she moved out, which I think was the best thing to do.  I was spending more and more time at Jake's and was very rarely at home.  As time went on, we just grew distant.  Neither of us are wonderful at staying in touch with people that we don't see daily.  I was off the computer and trying to interact with the world more and before our number one communication had been online.  It was just all hard and we let our friendship slide a bit.

We were both changing and exploring new things in our lives.  Suddenly we were both in serious relationships.  I had Jake and she had Brandon.  Different relationships but suddenly, I think for both of us, that we understood what "relationship" and "love" meant.  Although we didn't see each other all the time and we were both busy, I feel that Kathleen will always be that friend that was with me through my hard times and knew me better than 90% of the world.  Kathleen will always mean the world to me no matter what.

That is why it pained me to see her struggle.  I think we all will have dark times in life which is different for everyone.  Kathleen is going through that now.  She had some struggles but she was seeing them clearly and starting to work on them.  She was happier than I'd seen her in a long time and if anyone knows how hard it is to admit you need help and need to work on yourself it is me so I really admired her for that.

Now to the part that is hard to talk about.  Her boyfriend, Brandon, was also struggling and had suffered for a long time.  Just after Christmas, he took his own life.  I can not imagine the pain that Kathleen felt losing someone she was so in love with and meant so much to her.  There are very few things that are worse in this world and it was so painful for me to watch her go through that and know there was nothing I could do to solve it or take the pain away.  I've always been a bit of a protective person and once you're in my inner circle there are very few things that I won't do for you.  I don't like to see my people suffer and hurt and feel so helpless to do anything.  I felt guilty that I couldn't get to her right away after she called me.  I felt guilty that there was nothing I could do but hug her and let her cry.  I hope, somehow, I managed to help her through those really horrible days.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

With the deaths of Robin Williams and Dr. Sophia Yin, suicide has been on my mind and on my blog more this year than ever.  I never imagined it would personally effect someone so close to me though.  I can't imagine how the loved ones of people who take their own lives, understand it.  I hope that Kathleen can find healing and closure to her relationship with Brandon.  I hope that his other loved ones are able to heal and make peace.  I hope that he is at peace and no longer in pain.

Suicide is horrible.  It is horrible for the ones left behind and it is horrible that someone is hurting so much that it is the only out they see.  It is something that people are unsure of how to handle or address but it is a problem in our society that needs to be addressed.  No one should feel so alone that they feel they have to take their own lives.  Mental illness and victimization by others should not be something that we as a community don't want to talk about and deal with.  Out of sight, out of mind doesn't work because for some people they can't get away from their demons.  We have to be a community of support for those who are suffering and the people in their lives who don't know how to help.

Kathleen went back to Ohio to be with her family and to heal.  I will miss her and we will have to make the effort to keep our friendship going.  However, I will always be here for her and I hope she uses that strength that I know she has to find closure, make peace and continue her own healing.  Most of all, I hope she remembers how loved and cherished she is by more people than she knows.  I would do anything to change what happened for her because she has always deserved so much better.  She deserves happiness and I know it will find her.

I hope she isn't mad at me for this either but I had to sit down and get some of this out.